This is Really Happening

2003-11-19T11:15:00.000-05:00

MOVING DAY

If you're looking for something new you're like me. That's why I'm re-locating my blog to this location.

Hope to see you there.

2003-11-18T14:15:00.000-05:00

TODAY I AM A FASCIST

Well, at least that's what's one of my students called me. I think he got the from one of those straight-edge skater bands he listens to. Who am I to stifle his creative use of vocabulary?

And, in other fun, here's what can happen when you randumbly click on your list of recently updated typepad blogs.

My favorite quote from the entry I linked to: "To the contrary, it is precisely the obligation of each nation as much as of each individual to submit themselves spiritually and morally to Him. Putting it another way, God does not call (and does not want) nations to surrender their sovereignty to the United Nations".

Take that, Kofi Anan.

2003-11-17T13:12:00.000-05:00

AND SO IT GOES...

Student: "Do you REALLY want to teach us today? Because we really don't want to learn. Maybe we could all just go home early? Go ahead, Mr ---, you're dismissed."

2003-11-17T10:12:00.000-05:00

MY DAY, SO FAR

Student: That show at Pearl Street Friday was cool. etc etc
Teacher: Oh, I was at Pearl Street, but I was at the show upstairs.
Student: You should've come to the MaddMuzik show, there were other old people there.

Right now I'm drinking a coffee with Cremora in it. THAT'S how my day's going.

2003-11-14T10:24:00.000-05:00

Another Interview from Near the Arctic Circle

Wanna hear what Toti thinks? I hope so.

The other night I saw an add for that Eddie Murphy movie The Haunted Mansion. I wonder what's next? It's a Small World After All? Wouldn't THAT be ninty minutes of fun...

(waxing poetic)But, indeed, it is a small world. (end of wax) Reading my second Reykjavik interview should make that clear.

There, now I've linked to it twice in the first three paragraphs...

2003-11-13T17:49:00.000-05:00

IDOL HOURS

Thanks to Kristen for this wonderful link. Now I have an outlet for all my church sign humor. Of course, with Blogger, I couldn't quite bring you my first church sign, but it was something like: "HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER: LINK TO THEIR BLOGS"

Next up: "THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S TEMPLATES"

2003-11-12T13:43:00.000-05:00

GETTING GAMEY

Well, the game continues. Despite the fact that whenever anyone asks me about it that person generally says something like: "Are you still doing THAT?" or "How long do you plan to keep that up?"

But anyway, the moves so far are:

1. Nf3 g5 2. Nxg5 f6 3. e3 fxg5 4.d4 (no move) 5. c4 e5 6. dxe5

Feel free to make the next move for Black. To do so, leave your move in the comment section below.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO TEEN ANGST?

Two real conversations I had with students today:

Number 1:
Me: What did you do this weekend?
Student: Oh, I broke up with my boyfriend.
Me: Sorry to hear that.
Student: No biggie.

Number 2:
Me: What's going on?
Student: Well, R--- was kissing my girlfriend in class.
Me: Oh really?
Student: Yes, I'm quite disappointed.

2003-11-07T09:32:00.000-05:00

THE GAME GOES ON

Well, Black failed to make a move over the last two and a half days, but that won't deter me. The game goes on...

1. Nf3 g5 2. Nxg5 f6 3. e3 fxg5 4. d4 no move 5. c4

2003-11-06T11:33:00.000-05:00

JUST A REMINDER

Make your "blog chess game-of-the-century" move for the Black pieces by 2:15 today. Can the whole internet put their heads together and coming up with a winning move? I can't wait to find out...

The moves can be found below in "Lasker's Advice."

2003-11-04T16:45:00.000-05:00

UNTIMELY REBIRTH

Well, ELA, my beloved car, has had an eventful couple of days. If you're a regular reader of this blog--and how could you not be--you'll remember that she had some health problems a couple of weeks ago leading to me thinking I might need to get a new (used) car. Though it made me sad, it made others (I won't name names). happy. Gleeful even.

But anyway, just yesterday, ELA turned 150. A milestone if there ever was one. But, also, ELA went in for an "operation" to see if she still had some life left in her. And, through the miracle of something called a "tune-up" she managed to, as the guy on the phone just put it, "pass the test with flying colors." Oh yeah, now THAT'S effective effort. The guy on the phone also told me that ELA (he doesn't call her ELA, he calls her "it") also needed a new BLAH BLADDITY BLAH valve.

Which brings me to my real topic. Car people can look at me from a kilometer away and know that I know absolutely nothing about cars or, worse yet, their individual parts. I'm pretty sure he specifically told me that it was the BLAH BLADDITY BLAH valve because he knew that I had no clue what that was, what it looks like, where it goes, what it does, and whether or not a car even has one of those.

The same thing happens to me when I go to buy a used car. Which admittedly isn't often. The car guy will go through the whole spiel about how the car and I were meant to be together, etc. etc. and then, then--and I'm convinced they only do this when they know that you know ABSOLUTELY nothing about cars--he will open up the hood and show me the engine. "Take a look at that engine. Isn't it perfect?" he'll say. And I'll say: "Looks good to me." And we'll both know that what he's really saying is "You know absolutely nothing about car engines. You're not even sure if there's an engine in here. You're staring at a cracked radiator but you are still going to buy this car." And what I'm really saying is: "Yes I am."

2003-11-04T14:28:00.000-05:00

LASKER'S ADVICE

When I was learning to play chess, that is really learning chess theory, one of my mentors told me about how a former world champion, Emanuel Lasker, would often forego making the best move in order to make a move that would throw his opponent off of his game. Following that method, I'm not going to play 4. Qh5++, but instead, I will play 4. d4.

Anyone wishing to help BLack with the next move should leave a comment below. The game so far is:

1. Nf3 g5 2. Nxg5 f6 3. e3 fxg5 4. d4

1. N-KB3 P-KN4 2. NxP P-KB3 3. P-K3 PxN 4. P-Q4

2003-11-04T10:24:00.000-05:00

WHERE I'VE BEEN LATELY

While you're pondering your next blog chess move, here's an interview I just posted over in Reykjavik.

2003-11-03T14:13:00.000-05:00

I NEVER

I never said it would be easy. The Internet team (and you can join it if you want) apparently spent the entire weekend studying their Chess Informants and are trying to get me out of my well-studied book moves. 2...f6 took me quite by surprise and, though I'm reeling, I'll play on.

3. e3

If you'd like to make the third move for black, feel free to comment below. For those of you scoring at home, the game thus far is: 1. Nf3 g5 2. Nxg5 f6 3. e3

I wonder how many chess computers are currently working tirelessly to find the best move against me? No fear, fans, I will not be deterred...

2003-11-03T09:55:00.000-05:00

EPIC STRUGGLE

People of the Internet: don't forget, your second move in the "blog chess game of the millenium" is due today at 2 PM EST. I know you're trying to make it dramatic and all by waiting, but the time is nigh. Just add a move to the comments. Either use algebraic or descriptive notation or you can even say: "Move the pointy headed guy in front of the horsey."

As a reminder, the moves so far are: 1. Nf3 g5 2. Nxg5

2003-11-01T20:42:00.000-05:00

SEARCHMANIA

Well, time for one of my updates on what people have found my site while they have been searching for on the internet for other stuff. I again apologize to all those randumb searchers who were looking for something worthwhile and ended up here instead. For those of you searcxhing for pics of Mallory, well, you get what you deserve...

REAL WORLD FANATICS (as always)
mallory real world
mallory and ace
mallory hair real world
simon real world paris
pictures of mallory from real world paris
"leah" "real world" "hair"
mallory real world
real world ace

PESSIMISTS:
bad things happening in the world
alpaca scam

MUSIC LOVERS
"ware river club" 2003
kimono reykjav?k
"worm is green"

COOL GUYS
happening cars +world

DOG LOVERS
milkbone competitors

RED SOX LOVERS
"tim wakefield" married

PRAGMATISTS
WHAT IS REALLY HAPPENING IN THE WORLD

CREATIVE THINKERS
sponge bob square pants gay culture

FAUX DECORATORS
fake grape vine pictures

2003-10-31T14:14:00.000-05:00

MORE TIME

hmmmmmm, the whole internet is cowering in a corner rather than make move 2. That's okay. I'll give all of you until Monday to come up with a move.

The game so far goes 1. Nf3 g5 2. Nxg5 _____ . If you want to make Black's second move, post it in the comments below.

2003-10-30T14:08:00.000-05:00

THE BATTLE HAS BEGUN

Well, only one person has responded, but that's okay, there's still time for more of you to join in the fun.

At first I thought that Black's move, 1....g5 was questionable, but then I remembered that the player in question had done some time in NYC and probably hung around the village, playing speed chess for money. So to my worthy Washington Square opponent, let's see what you got...

WHITE BLACK
1. Nf3 (or N-KB3) g5 (or P-KN4)
2. Nxg5 (or NxP)

Well, it's never too late to join in. And I think it's worth suggesting a move even if another one ends up being chosen. But, hey, this game will go on...

I've heard rumors that several top players (I'm thinking Anand and Ivanchuk) are closely watching how this one turns out. Perhaps they'll throw an idea in later on...

Remember, make Black's second move by 2:15 tomorrow!! And thanks for playing.

2003-10-29T14:15:00.000-05:00

THIS IS GONNA BE SO COOL!

I challenge you all to a game of chess!

I will make the first move. You, my readers will play the Black pieces.

Put your move in the comments section. Whichever move is most popular, I will make for you. If everyone who responds has a different move in reply, whoever's move was first will be the one I make.

I will make my moves each week day at 2:15 pm.

Come on, give it a try! I'm no Garry Kasparov, nor even a Bobby Fischer--though I have been to Iceland--but I can beat you, the rest of the Internet!!!!

1. Nf3 (N-KB3)

(I'm using two notation systems; you can reply with either).

2003-10-28T14:08:00.000-05:00

HEAD COLD

Well, after a full day of using every break I had to edit and create links and organize it, my Reykjavik journal is finally finished. Well, by finished I mean finished for now. I still have other stories to tell--I don't even mention Kolaportid or our splurgy dinner or the Tjorn and City Hall in it. But for now, here's I Visited Heaven and Came Home With a Head Cold.

2003-10-27T16:19:00.000-05:00

YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH?

I can't imagine myself doing this. Not in a million years. Sorry boat mates.

2003-10-26T23:46:00.000-05:00

I WANNA

I wanna be four years old again. I think I might've wasted the opportunity the first time around. I know I had a great time, hanging around with my mom all day and stuff and watching Captain Kangaroo. But now that I know what the world is like I think I could really enjoy being four again and truly appreciate it. Even if I could just do it for a couple of days it would be a nice respite.

I want to be able to remember everything I learn. I want to be able to say self-assuredly that 'I can do everything now that I'm four'. I want to be excited about Clifford the Big Red Dog. I want to be able to look up to my big brother with envy and awe. I want to sit at the dinner table and put some sour cream in my milk just to find out if it tastes good. I want to be able to fall down and get back up without days and days of lingering achiness. I want to get my first bike. I want my world to be no more complicated than that.

2003-10-25T13:10:00.000-04:00

CLARITY

I had a great night last night, what with being part of the gang and all. I do, though, need to make one clarification: the name of this blog is "This is really happenING" not "This is really happen'n"

Oh, and I found out last night that Rerun from "What's Happen'n?" died. I'm not sure when or how, but that's so sad, as any death is.

Okay, that having been said I won't say too much about the show in case others there might wish to. I will say Ware River Club focused on new material and it sounded great, though a bit quieter than their earlier work. Then again that might've been due to the lack of opportunities for the band to smoke during the set.

***The following paragraph is a re-write of my original one in which I referred to "old established sources of what's cool" not being reliable. One of those people to whom I referred took offense to the statement so I've decided to expunge it. I meant no great offense at the time to him or to any of the other people I had in mind.***

And I thought Twinemen were great. Unlike Caliyawn and Boring Social Scene whom a lot of people indicated they'd be great but who disappointed me greatly when I saw them, the Twinemen were simply amazing.

Oh, and today is Patchy's birthday. He will probably celebrate it by jumping off things.

And, well, I can't think of anything else at the moment. Oh wait, I just did. Aw, never mind.

2003-10-22T09:07:00.000-04:00

WISH ME LUCK

Well, yesterday I embarked on a new project. Those of you who know me know that I'm not your typical "point people to interesting and informative web sites" blogger. I have used blogs for fictional ramblings, for travel writing, and for my usual inane patter. This summer I even wrote a blog in support of the summer school class I was working with.

But now I'm taking it one step further. With any luck, within a few days I will be opening up a blog featuring student work. Our first project is a simple one: to write about a topic of interest, find some web sites, and link to them. How this is all going to work out, I don't know. I expect to have to do a lot of link-creating as my students begin to get an idea of what this is all about.

Now, don't get too excited Scott, the students won't be blogging on an ongoing basis. Not yet, at least. For now, this blog will merely be a place for them to display their work and to learn a few very basic blogging tools. I'll let you all know how this turns out.

2003-10-21T01:09:00.000-04:00

AN UNTIMELY DEMISE

Well, the pain has subsided enough to write briefly about game seven of the World Series. Yes, it was the World Series. What's going on now is, let's face it, the Pro Bowl of baseball.

And all I have to say is, "Grady, why why why why did Pedro come out to pitch the eighth inning? Why why why why why????? It was like watching a car crash from a block away. Everyone except those involved saw it coming. Why wasn't Timlin there? Or that left handed pitcher whose name I can't even recall because I'm still poking my eyes with long sharp needles and the pain is too much to endure. Why oh why...

Okay, that's all I have to say except that we, as Red Sox fans shouldn't be mad at Yankee fans for their good fortune. I mean, how often does your team get to go to that ultimate destination, the World Series? It is a rare and beautiful thing and we should be happy for these people who have that once in a lifetime chance to experience the thrill of their team making it there. The End.

ANOTHER UNTIMELY DEMISE

Well, each year for the last several years I have been in denial about this moment. But it has arrived. Today was "ELA's" inspection day and, after a hundred and forty something thousand miles, she, despite her best efforts, did not pass her emissions inspection. Did she not study enough? Were the questions harder this year? I do not know. And while I will do all the things a parent would do in this situation--a tune up, an oil change, a plaintive look at the guy running the evil machine--I have to face the fact that I might have to start looking for a new car. Now mind you, some people I know might be cheering this possibility, but for me it's the end of an era. The Ela Era: the era of a non-functioning cassette player and a non-working heater. Of a back window that leaked in heavy rain. And who can forget the days of daily overheating and the gamely way she rode on bald tires, like Kirk Gibson batting in the World Series.

And I'll miss all those former food products now emblazoned onto the back seat like Cuchulainn's battle scars and I'll miss finding the bits of glass from the shot out back window. And I'm forever sorry that I didn't ever bring her to a proper car wash. These are my thoughts as Ela sits outside, rejected by the state she did so much for.

2003-10-14T23:04:00.000-04:00

HEY, IS THAT MY NEIGHBOR?

Each week I get the Onion's weekly dispatch in my email. I love the Onion, of course--I'm not a Cretan after all--but generally after I've read it (and of course laughed uproariously at its witty bon mot) the best thing about it is that it's 21K that I can delete from my teeming Inbox. But this week, one of the stories caught my eye: [click here and when you get to the link please take note of the location. Thank you].

Yes, South Hadley Falls has finally made the Internet map. We are somebody. And, what's better, based on our walks around our beautiful Falls neighborhood, I think I can pinpoint the guy referred to in the article. Though I do know that it's not the people always watching cartoons, nor is it the people with the yippy dog. It's probably not the people across from the Methodist church, nor--in my opinion--is it the Comcast guy. It's not the house with the bassist practicing "Smoke on the Water" yet again. But I do think I know who it is. If you'd like to know you can email me and I'll tell you.

Thank you "The Onion" for giving me something to write about.

2003-10-14T10:29:00.000-04:00

RANDUMBS

Just a few for now:

1. I love Tim Wakefield. I love knuckleballers. If you aren't a baseball fan you probably think you're missing out on an unusual means of getting pleasure. And you are, but not the one YOU'RE thinking of.

2. I heard on the radio that there was a flash mob underneath David Blaine's (whatever that thing might be called). Sixty or so people got phonecalls, pointed them at Blaine, pulled out some food to offer him and shouted "What goes up must come down." They also bowed to him. Nothing too exciting, but such is my world today.

3. Driving through Northampton, I was surprised to see political signs for people running for Smith trustee (that's in charities and Voke, not as in college). I never knew it was a competitive thing.

4. In a related randumb, (???), Did you know that Smith Charities still offer dowries to young Northampton women getting married for the first time?

5. And, finally, the photocopier worked today. It didn't bend the papers as it spat them out. All is good with my world as a result.

6. Did I mention that I love Tim Wakefield?

2003-10-13T12:33:00.000-04:00

WARNING

Well, I'm trying to figure out how to link to pictures, so I thought I'd take some pleasant ones. For those of us used to the hard-to-find warning labels on American cigarettes, I offer a few looks at the subtle European labeling system :mmmm cigarettes

2003-10-07T11:49:00.000-04:00

HELLO MY NAME IS...

I don't actually have much to say about last night's Red Sox game. It was wonderful. Simply. This morning on the radio I heard reports of bottle throwing and car tipping and the like. Ridiculous. Pace yourselves people; there's still the LCS to play. (I'll interrupt myself at this point to point out that I always think sports-related looting is absurd. And it's planned; it's not a spontaneous reaction to the team's victory).

The only thing I have to point out about the game last night is the guy in the stands who was heckling Damien Jackson and then taunting Ortiz. Imagine if things had turned out differently and that guy's one claim to fame in life was that he had the crap beat out of him by David Ortiz. "Hello, my name is Dick. You may remember me as the guy they had to pour out of the stadium after game five in 2003". I think even Yankee fans wouldn't have been as callous as that group of fans behind the Red Sox dugout. Even Yankee fans, yes.

2003-10-07T07:50:00.000-04:00

LAST NIGHT

Later on I'll write more about last wonderful night, but for now, two things. First, a great potential band name I head at a meeting: UNDERGROUND CAPITAL ASSETS. Feel free to use it. And, when you get into certain positions, it's important to remember that, sure, sometimes your name appears on building's dedication plates, but it can pop up elsewhere too whether you expect it to or not.

2003-10-04T11:26:00.000-04:00

TOO MUCH PRESSURE

Well, despite my best efforts to write about exotic topics like Iceland and the Red Sox, people are clamoring for more work stories. I don't have any brilliant ones off the top of my head, but I'll try to piece this last week or so back together and try to find a pearl or two. Since returning from Iceland, things have been a whirlwind for me at work. Days spent catching up on all the work that was done when I was away. (Did I really assign THAT much writing?) And then watching as I fell behind on the new work I was having them complete while I was catching up on the previous work. You know how it is. Well, maybe not, but bear with me. One interesting thing that really happened was a bit of a mutiny in one of my classes.

At the start of each week I give the typical weekly vocabulary words, writing them on the board, etc. etc. I know it's not progressive education, but all my lessons can't be constructivist gems. But anyway, as I get to my last class of the day and start into the lesson one of the kids says: "I'm not writing these down. Last week when someone had lost their words you gave them a typed-up photocopy." I of course protested in a teacherly way that this was what we were doing and the reason was blah blah blah. "No," she says, "why should we waste time doing it this way when we can just get a photocopy and move on to something else?" This was picked up on by several other students and soon they were chanting "photocopy...photocopy" Now, at this point, I must interject something here. I love this kind of stuff. I find it funny. I'm not one of those teachers who rage about order and discipline and control. When a student starts tapping their pen on the desk I'm just as likely to turn it into a "We Will Rock You" drumbeat as I am to ask him or her to stop. I did try my best defenses..."um, I don't know how to photocopy" "the photocopier's broken" "I've used my quota of paper for this week" But to no avail. So, as the chant picked up again, I of course started laughing and very quickly my sweet group of freshmen had won their first coup. And a bloodless one it was.

But the part of this story that I like the best is that they then went for more: "And we want the words on the Friday before our shop week. So we have MORE time to study them." "Let me get this right" I said "You want the words two weeks in advance, rather than one, so you can have MORE time to study them?" Now, if the British and French had made demands like THIS at the end of World War I, the whole second world war would've been avoided. And that was what they wanted most from their vanquished enemy. So I reluctantly agreed to their demands and moved on.

Okay, not a great story, but that's all I got today.

2003-10-02T09:48:00.000-04:00

EVERYTHING’S MORE INTERESTING WHEN IT’S IN ICELANDIC

For the last few days, I’ve be scouring the internet for blogs from Iceland. And by scouring I mean I’ve put at least fifteen minutes into this project. I’ve found a number of them and have begun to list some of the “more interesting” ones on my typepad site. Some are in English and some in Icelandic. Sure I can’t read a word of Icelandic, but man do those blogs look cool. (Blogger’s note: if you can read Icelandic and have noticed that one of them is a neo-nazi blog or something, please let me know).

One of them, Magga Dora, has some cool pictures—actually a lot of them have interesting photos—and even some audio clips from Reykjavik’s Gay Pride parade. Great stuff.

On the whole though, I haven’t really done much to get the site organized. Go here to see the amorphous mess it is right now. It’s hard to figure out typepad, even though I’ve been scouring (see definition above) the site to try to figure it out.

Other than that, I’m trudging through my day, tired and sick, and wondering: If only I had stayed up past the tenth inning last night, would things have turned out differently? I know they would have. Having worn rally hats throughout the 1986 playoffs, only to NOT wear one during THAT GAME because I was out at a bar, I know that I single-handedly caused the Red Sox to lose last night. And I hereby apologize for that.

2003-09-29T16:13:00.000-04:00

BELATED CROSSWALK THOUGHTS

I was just catching up on some of my Blog reading and--finally--read all the crosswalk stuff. I would link to those pieces but I am a lazy lazy man.

I, of course, have my own random thoughts...and here they are:

First of all, crosswalk etiquette: Dear crosswalk user, I know that I have to stop for you because it's a strictly enforced law, but I would probably do it any way because I'm a nice guy. I could probably even produce testimonials to that effect if necessary. As a result, I do like (though never demand) when you wave to me for stopping. It's nice to get a wave. But if you give the wave, give it to both of the people who stopped. I do get irked when you wave to the person who at the last second slammed on his/her brakes when you stepped in front of them but then slight me, the guy who had stopped politely even though you were still on the other side of the road. Just irked, mind you. I don't get crosswalk rage or anything like that. But if you don't wave, that's okay. The cashier at the Dairy Mart doesn't wave to me when I obey the law and don't shoplift, so I don't expect it.

Also, whether or not you are a waver, I do find I appreciate the "fake jog". You all know what this is: we've all done it. As you cross the crosswalk, I appreciate it when you seem to be going as fast as you can, though we all know the "fake jog" is merely symbolic of the effort. No need to go any quicker than if you're crossing absent-mindedly. It's all about appearances.

Other thoughts: all this stopping for pedestrians that you get in Northampton really isn't doing them (the crosswalkers that is) any favors. When they venture into any not "North of Route 9" towns, Northampton-bred pedestrians have about as much chance as an acorn-sated squirrel does on Route 202 (For you Northamptonites, Route 202 is the road that passes through all the "uncool" towns you studiously avoid in your daily lives). How often have I seen some poor transplanted hipster clinging to the crosswalk pylon on the center line of the street as cars whiz by trying to clip the pylon as if it's part of a 7-10 split. I'm not sure if that analogy works but bear with me, I'm tired.

And one final thought: driving through downtown Northampton at busy times of the day or night really can be frustrating. At times I suspect that those slacker teens in the doorways are actually planted on the street to pace out the crosswalkers so that cars can never get past the Thornes Market area. Every eight seconds or so, if you listen carefully, you can hear them: "Guy in the blue shirt go! Woman in green, you're next: but wait til he's ten paces out. Okay go!"

So anyway, those are my unsolicited thoughts on crosswalks. Anything else I have to say has already been covered by (insert link to other blog here) and (insert link to yet another blog here) quite nicely.

2003-09-28T09:29:00.000-04:00

CLASSIC QUOTES

Well, Sigh Club's Kristen has predicted the demise of this blog. I've just signed up for a typepad account and she thinks, based on her experiences, that I will never come back here. And it is true that Typepad is wonderful. Blogger is a stone age set-up in comparison. But I think it will be a long long time before This is Really Happening makes the jump. So, "what am I doing over at Typepad?" all three of you may be asking...I'm trying to create a blog dedicated to my newest favorite place in Europe, Reykjavik. In additiion to my churlish journal entries, I hope to find the best Internet links to Iceland, maybe a few Icelandic blogs to link to, and of course show you some pictures. We'll see what happens. But go there in a week or two and see if I've made much progress. Maybe I'll even teach all of us some Icelandic. Lords knows that Takk can only get you so far in life.

Oh, but the title of this entry is Classic Quotes. So here are a few from recent weeks:

First, at the sight of the world's longest standing Parliament, a location considered sacred to Icelanders:

AMERICAN TOURIST: There's nothing to see here. I'm going back to the bus."

Next, at the grocery store yesterday:

CASHIER (to customer in front of me): She's the sweetest girl. It's too bad that she's whacked."

And, finally, from the world's most quotable three year old:

P: Is it true that you have to read old magazines when you're in the hospital?

HIS UNCLE: Why do you think that?

P: Oh, they said that on Sponge Bob Square Pants.

2003-09-25T16:54:00.000-04:00

A GOOD PLACE TO START

For those of you who are wondering, “Hey, if Iceland produced both the Sugarcubes AND Sigur Ros, what other bands are just waiting to become the latest cool Icelandic export?” Well, a good place to start looking--what with all the mp3s there and stuff--is the Bad Taste website. I just listened to Kimono and Worm is Green. And there’s so much more.

Another website that’s still in development but which promises great things is the one for Grape Vine, a cool English-language magazine that premiered in Reykjavik this summer.

2003-09-25T14:10:00.000-04:00

JET LAGGING

Okay, it's not really jet lag that I'm suffering from. It's more of a 'I can't find it within me to do anything beside sit around and drink coffee.' After six leisurely mornings, facing work and deadlines and morning bells just wasn't a good thing for me today. On the plus side, my "clients" seemed happy to see me. And a different group they've become in the last few days. Louder, more abrasive. Damn those days off. Oh well, it'll take a little time to re-adjust, both for me and for them. And after tomorrow, there is, at least, the weekend.

I'm a little too tired to tell any witty Iceland stories, so I'll just direct you to some pretty pictures of the trip and say that it's even more stunning and beautiful and interesting in person.
Oh, and there's an article about blogging in the current issue of Vera. I bet it's interesting. Oh, I forgot to mention, it's in Icelandic. Both the article and the web site. Yet another good reason to learn Icelandic...

I wonder if Iceland is missing me like I am missing it?

2003-09-22T09:55:00.000-04:00

ALMOST INTERESTING FACT OF THE DAY: Reykjavik is--geologically speaking--in North America.

Yesterday we got to see the rift between the two continents. Iceland splits apart at this point about 2 cm a year...

Oh, and there are about 2000 small earthquakes a year here. That means we´ve been through about 20 of them so far...

See you all soon....

2003-09-22T09:44:00.000-04:00

AS I SIT HERE: in the Internet Cafe, Ground Zero, three guys are playing some sort of interactive computer game, calling out directions to each other--most of them in Icelandic--until, suddenly, one of them says: "That was a big mistake."

Yesterday was one of those days that´s hard to encapsulate in a few mere paragraphs: heading out to the lava fields that surround Reykjavik, seeing an active volcano--well, it´s been three years since it erupted--enduring 70 mph winds while trying to visit Geysir (geysers are named after the place, not the other way around). OH, LET ME STOP A MOMENT TO NOTE: When the winds are about 70, geysirs just kinda spew steam sideways rather than up. Oh,and also, when the wind is in your face, small pebbles smack into your face like a challenge to a duel.

Sorry, for the all too brief report of all this. More will follow when I´m not paying for my internet time.

But the evening did end in a surreal, tranquil time, brought to you courtesy of the power plant outside of Reykjavik. We spent the evening soaking away the wind effects in the Blue Lagoon, a 100 plus degree pool created by water off run from the power plant. It´s milky blue and soothing and filled with wonderful minerals not to mention dead algae. One of those, ´this is lovely but should I really be bathing here' places.

We´re taking a brief break after a hectic morning of sightseeing here in Reykjavik. Okay, we went to the big church on the hill and the art museum, but that´s hectic enough after yesterday´s gale blowing in from Greenland. This afternoon we´ll shop a bit and walk the streets.

In case you´re thinking this account is a bit pedestrian, I am of course saving the good stuff for when I have the chance to sit back and reflect. The computer gamers seem to be doing well. Someone just obliterated a monster. Smiles all around.

2003-09-20T11:43:00.000-04:00

WHAT'S THAT YOU SAID?: I´m posting this brief blog from the heart of Reykjavik. There´s no title or anything because I´m having trouble finding all the right keys. All I can say is that my hearing has been permanently impaired by a heavy metal show we saw last night at Grand Rokk. It was great though. No one in the audience was sitting back at the bar trying to look cool and bored. Gotta love being away from Noho. We decided to leave as the fun was peaking which, by the way, was when people started to pour beers down each other´s throats: comaraderie...

I´ll write about the cool cultural things when I get home. Like the cheap beer at the supermarket and the Penis museum. Gotta go. Time´s up.

2003-09-18T11:01:00.000-04:00

SEE YA!

Well, this will be my last post for a while. Nothing much to say, except the rain will be settling into Reykjavik tomorrow morning. Oh well.

ALMOST INTERESTING FACT OF THE DAY: Reykjavik is closer to Boston than Los Angeles is.

I'm hoping for a safe trip and many blogs to come in the near future. I'm sure all (okay both) my readers are looking forward to my interpretation of life in the far far north.

2003-09-17T00:17:00.000-04:00

THE LAST NIGHT OF THE FAIR

The Big E and its World's Largest Rodents and World's Smallest Horses and its leather products and its Baked Potato lines and handwriting analyzers and its beef jerky and grill-sellers and... and... and... has returned like the harbinger of whatever the hell is harbinged in mid-September. To celebrate this event, I've dug out a piece of writing I started a couple years ago but--of course--never finished. It's not the Big E, but let's face it, it is:

Special discount Wednesday night after six, three dollars off with proper i.d. Gates 31-34 only. My big night at the fair. Eighty dollars in my pocket. Actually 66 after parking and admission. Cotton candy smell oozing through the air at that point on the midway where the fried dough and cow barn odors meet. This is the fair and I am here and I am happy. Date night at the fair. Couples streaming by, hands in each other’s pockets, deeply in love for now. Looking at the world’s largest rodent and the world’s smallest horse, I wonder how much that guy makes a year?

I am standing in the Cow Palace staring at Bessie or Bossie or whatever her name is. She is a cow and she is the Queen of all Cows at the Fair, or at least her literature claims that. She has little to offer me. She is eating slowly, pensively, like a Frenchman. I wander over to the goat Pavilion, clearly one step down in importance here in the heart of cow country. Some bored children wearing 4-H shirts that read "County Champion 1996", dreams of past faded glory emblazoned on the hearts. What’s happened since then? Have they lost that extra drive needed to win? Have the goats become complacent? I try to spot a problem, perhaps I can give them some advice that will put them on the winning track again. I examine a goat closely and he rewards me with a puckish grin and a wink and nod. I begin to suspect that goats and handlers alike are slackers; they probably borrowed the shirts from the real 4-H winners. I contemplate turning them in to the person in charge of the goat pavilion, but I suspect he is out on the midway getting a Turkey leg or maybe some blooming onions...how the hell do they do that?

2003-09-13T11:45:00.000-04:00

"I'M SORRY I CALLED YOUR ICELANDIC FRIEND A LYING BITCH"

Well, I must admit that, despite being a lifelong Holyoker, I had never been to the Paper City Brewery's Friday night fun. It was a wonderful deal. $5 for a cup. All the beer you could manage to get at the packed bar and then, on the way out, you get free samples to bring home--if you return your cup. Four cups got us a case. Not a bad deal.

We spent much of our time there standing in the elevator reminiscing with old friends. Okay, so we had just met most of them then and there but when you read about their...blah blah blah. You know what I mean.

I'd like to thank Scott for perpetuating my "Easthampton, City of Women" motto, though I'll have to teach him the intonation--it's a bit more wistful. As to the quote in the title above, I'll leave that to your overactive imaginations.

And, speaking of Easthampton, after the brewery Sigh Club and I went to "the city of women" to see one of the more interesting shows I've been to in awhile. While I'll leave the details of the show to K, I will say that Cyclub sounded great last night. I would say they were more polished-sounding, but they're a punk band, so that doesn't seem a compliment. You'll have to fill in your own appropriate description here...I loved when they had six people on stage, including a cellist (correct my spelling if necessary). It was so decadent. What was it Oscar Wilde wrote? "it reminds one of the worst excesses of the French Revolution."

Hawnay Troof showed us all that you can pack a whole show into ten minutes of manic mayhem. They also pretty much showed us all. They're playing tonight in Palmer and after the show last night were offering people rides. Now, Henning, THAT'S how you get people to your shows! And, finally, Thurston Moore's Dream/Action Unit made some interesting noise. The highlight was when he tried to return his guitar to the womb of it's speaker as if it were the devil-child that shouldn't have been born.

We packed a lot into four hours. Tonight, it's Penn State football. Rowrrr!

2003-09-11T00:45:00.000-04:00

WE'RE NOT SCAREMONGERING

I remember two years ago--at the end of a day that was so real, so unreal. A day for the existentialists: "I can't go on, I'll go on." Watching the unrelenting images on the television. I couldn't tell you which channel it was. The scenes were many, all chaotic. People in the streets of New York fleeing. Many on cell phones. Smoke and ash billowing behind them. And I'm sure there was a commentator commentating, but I didn't hear the voice. All I could hear was this. I guess you could call it my mantra--helping me to cope, to remain sane. I don't know, but as the television provided the awful images, my brain channeled them through these words:

idioteque: Who's in a bunker? / Who's in a bunker? / Women and children first / And the children first / And the children / I'll laugh until my head comes off / I'll swallow till I burst / Until I burst / Until I / Who's in a bunker? / Who's in a bunker? / I have seen too much / I haven't seen enough / You haven't seen it / I'll laugh until my head comes off / Women and children first / And children first / And children / Here I'm allowed / Everything all of the time / Here I'm allowed / Everything all of the time / Ice age coming / Ice age coming / Let me hear both sides / Let me hear both sides / Let me hear both / Ice age coming / Ice age coming / Throw it in the fire / Throw it in the fire / Throw it on the / We're not scaremongering / This is really happening / Happening / We're not scaremongering / This is really happening / Happening / Mobiles skwrking / Mobiles chirping / Take the money run / Take the money run / Take the money / Here I'm allowed / Everything all of the time / Here I'm allowed / Everything all of the time / Here I'm allowed / Everything all of the time / Here I'm allowed/ Everything all of the time / The first of the children

2003-09-09T16:40:00.000-04:00

WHEN IN DOUBT

If there's one thing that my grandmother taught me it is this: When in doubt, blog about the strange search engine entries that led to people finding your blog. At the very least, you'll be that much more likely to be found by the search engine in the future. So here are the last twenty:

THE REAL WORLD, OF COURSE
is adam from the real world paris gay
pictures of simon from real world paris
pictures of mallory from real world
real world paris mallory hair
Ace and mallory
songs in real world with leah's brother
Ace and Mallory
Ace and Mallory
road rules Ace hats penis (why is this one not featured on that Yahoo! commercial?)

MUST BE A POPULAR PLACE
aura easthampton
aura easthampton
aura +easthampton
easthampton aura

SOME RANDUMBS
mcas practice (I wonder if they solved the problem?)
"ware river club"
joe schmo icon
plus sized fashion model, heather ware (I don't wanna know)
this is really happening
thisisreallyhappening.blogspot.com (okay, I don't know why someone felt the need to "search" this rather than just go to it, but do what you want with your free time)

AND, FINALLY, I ABSOLUTELY NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS ONE
alpaca scam

2003-09-08T22:25:00.000-04:00

HUMBLED

What could be a more humbling experience than this: Your cat (click here to see his portfolio) joins Friendster and, within a couple of days, has just as many friends there as you have managed to find in a month. And, no, most of them aren't even the same friends. He has his own set of Friendster friends: Slash, Ashanka, Nermal, Chasoie, and, apparently, the "Eric Conveys an Emotion" guy. This is my life.

And for those of you keeping track, some sightings from work thus far this September: two baby cows, an electric car, a rabbit, and three mannequins on a stretcher (try walking around a corner and seeing THAT while you've got a cup of coffee in your hand).

2003-09-06T23:12:00.000-04:00

PROMISES

With the promise that my blog won't become nothing more than reflections upon my workday, I do need to post this piece of writing one of my freshman handed in for her first homework assignment. And I know it's not necessarily profound, but I think this sets a great tone for my year with her and her class:

"PUNK"People say punk is just a label but in reality it's the person. "Punk" really describes individuality. It shows what people are really thinking or our past thoughts. The label punk shows a person not just by what they wear but how they act and they listen to. Punk isn't just music, it's who you are, it's a person.

2003-09-05T10:12:00.000-04:00

BACK TO WORK--day 3

Well, yesterday was my first lunch of the new year in the cafeteria. Spaghetti and meatballs, not too bad. The sad news is that my favorite option, the chicken "puck" sandwich has been axed in favor of a pizza or pasta line. Apparently the Atkins Diet hasn't swept the school lunch menu by storm. But, hey, what can I say? Pasta's always alright by me.

I just realized that I've strayed into the dreaded "had a ham sandwich" style blog. For that I apologize. And, speaking of blogs, I'm still amazed by how many people--and I'm talking about Internet-literate people--have no idea what a "blog" is. I'm picturing myself asking a James Joyce scholar friend if he can define "blog": "Yes, I believe it's a portmanteau word Joyce created for Finnegans Wake combining the name of a river in central Germany with the sound gutta-percha makes when coming out of somewhat muddy ground.

THOUGHT-PROVOKING QUOTE OF THE DAY: "Mr. M--, you have me for English. I feel sorry for you."

2003-09-03T11:25:00.000-04:00

BACK TO WORK--day 1

"Keep your head down and keep moving."

"Remember, we're here to teach the kids; the rest of it is bullshit."

"Do we really have homework or are you just trying to scare us?"

"I didn't read any books in English last year."

"If you don't give us any work this year we promise to just sit here quietly every day."

THE DRIVE HOME

Okay, so as I was driving down Route 91 today what do I see but a car carrying something in on a small trailer. No big deal, you're probably thinking. But, on this trailer was...an airplane (perhaps a glider) with its wings folded up. A couple of things here: who exactly gets into an aircraft with wings that fold? and, who gets into an aircraft that can snugly fit on a trailer intended for, say, two snowmobiles? I know, I do fear flying more than a lot of people, but there's a difference between flying in a large jet and having some qualms and flying in something with wings that conveniently fold so you can store the aircraft in your hall closet until the next time you use it. "I thought YOU locked the wing in place" is not what I want my last thought to be. So now I'm sitting here picturing myself on Christmas morning, assembling my new airplane, trying to find the Allen wrench that will best tighten the three screws holding together my fuselage.

2003-09-01T09:36:00.000-04:00

THE END IS NEAR

Well, the end is near. Yes, folks, my summer vacation is over as of 6 a.m. tomorrow when the alarm clock goes off. And, the worst part of the end of my summer vacation is that no one around me has any sympathy for me. In any given room, I can, at a suitably dramatic moment, raise my forearm to my head, ala Morrissey, and say: "It's over-r-r-r" and no one bats an eyelid. Well, sure, a few groans, a couple of "how MANY weeks did you have off?" questions, one or two "I didn't know you were a teacher" retorts, but no one running over to me, offering a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. No one consoling me, reassuring me that winter vacation is just a snowball's throw away. No one.

That is the lonely life of a teacher that everyone talks about.

Labor Day

Oh, and need I point out to people that today is Labor Day. If you are fortunate enough to have today off, can you help out those poor people who work at places like the Mall? Don't go to the Mall. Don't go to any retail store that is open today. Not only that, call the Mall manager and tell him how obscene it is that all these poor minimum wage employees have to work today so that a bunch of damned teenagers and other people who don't even appreciate the holiday can SHOP! But, wait until tomorrow to call the manager, he has the day off today.

2003-08-26T01:15:00.000-04:00

EASTHAMPTON, CITY OF WOMEN

Before I begin tonight's blog topic--Easthampton, City of Women--I must apologize to all of you who read yesterday's entry. The links were all messed up due to some sloppy blogging on my part. So, if you'd like to visit all those places I promised you, they're all fixed now. Feel free to try them again.

So, one thing I forgot to report in last night's blog...As we were headed to the Flywheel, a woman on the street asked if either of us had a light for her cigarette. I, of course, did and handed her my lighter. She lit her cigarette and said to me: "Life is so shitty sometimes and then someone like you comes along." Such a wonderful testimonial. But it left me wondering what kind of crappy day she must've been having. It also reminded me of something that happened to me in my yout'...(insert a musical sequence suggesting a flashback to the early 80's)

One night some of my friends and I were hanging out in the parking lot of Harvest Valley which, perched atop the Route 141 hill between Holyoke and Easthampton, had a stunning view of Easthampton and the hills beyond. (It's now called Aura btw) It was after a David Bowie show at the Civic Center and we were hanging out doing all those sorts of things a yout' does after a magnificent concert. So, anyway, as we're there reminiscing we see this guy trudging up the road from Easthampton. Wishing that he wouldn't notice us and just pass on by we were disappointed and I'm sure a bit paranoid when he veered from his walk along the road and came down the parking lot to talk to us. After the usual things you say to a stranger who is walking along a dark road and who stops to talk to you, someone asked him why he was walking from Easthampton.

***At this point, I must say that I, being a rather practical sort of chap, would never have opened that proverbial can of worms--especially considering I had spied a bottle of Molson Golden in his back pocket (yes, his back pocket)--but the question hung out there like something that hangs out there in an awkward kind of way so what can you do?

He then launched into a drunken story involving the fact he was stationed at Westover, had gone to a party in Easthampton, had missed a ride with his friends back to the base because he knew he was going to "get lucky" and had--surprisingly enough--been rejected by some woman that he had his not-so-proverbial sights set on. And then, at the end of his story, he paused dramatically, took a sip of his warm, Canadian beer and proclaimed to the distant lights: "Easthampton, City of Women."

A long silence followed as we soaked in the importance of the moment. Then after we insisted that, in fact, none of us were headed toward Holyoke--and certainly not Chicopee--he turned back to the road and walked away into the darkness. But, though he walked out of my life at that moment, I can't go back to Easthampton without thinking...ahhhhh, Easthampton, city of women.

2003-08-25T14:18:00.000-04:00

THINGS ARE WHAT YOU MAKE OF THEM

Looking a little road-weary, Bishop Allen showed up at the Flywheel last night to find a crowd of about sixteen people waiting for them. Including seven relatives of the drummer. I'm not going to give a full review of the show--we're all awaiting sigh club's thoughtful interpretation of the evening--but I will say a few things: first of all, when Band Practice wrote this entry he had an idea of what he was talking about. The band, probably because they were looking homeward, weren't all that outgoing, it seemed. Bonnie, the bass player, was somewhat nice and still seemed excited about playing despite the busy tour schedule and the pitiful crowd awaiting them in Easthampton. But the lead singer seemed to be wishing he was somewhere else the whole night. But, despite the circumstances, the show itself was great. Their songs are infectious and pop-orientated and, despite some ambitiously-hot stage lights, the band played a solid set. They're a lovely band whom I'm sure won't be back at the Flywheel, but I'm hoping they turn up in Northampton soon.

Bourgeois Heroes opened the show with a not bad set. The highlight of their set was watching Elise, the ennui-laden drummer. Nothing like a "I hate right now" expression when your bandmate is embarking on a guitar solo. At one point she even leaned across one of the drums, head in hand. Every time he did something "fancy", she seemed to be thinking "I voted against this at our last band meeting, but the vote was a one to one tie again".

2003-08-21T10:14:00.000-04:00

THIS IS MY LIFE

Well, my blog strike hasn't been working out too well. Management has been ignoring our demands. Even though I'm willing to do anything in exchange for the pittance of a salary we are demanding, the big boss has not responded to our offer.

***************

In other news, I have been quite remiss in not updating my link to sigh club. As you probably know, she moved to new digs some time ago. She has some lovely photos there of Holyoke and Newport and, of course, of Miles.

But, you know, now that she's over at type "pad" she secretly looks down upon all of us blogspot bloggers. It's like moving from Iowa to New York City. There's no turning back. No acknowledging your old friends when you see them on 5th Avenue gawking shamelessly at the big buildings. And, it reminds me of when I was a kid and thought having Pong on my TV was cool, but then my neighbor got an Odyssey2 and then nobody was hanging around at my house anymore. And, eventually, my dad broke down and bought me the Odyssey2--but only after the arsenal of 'growing up in the Depression' stories had been exhausted. And, of course, within days the other kid had an Atari and and and...oh wait, I've lost my train of thought there for a minute...

Anyway, if you haven't already, check out the new sigh club.

*************

Oh, and I'm going to get my hair cut today. This part of my entry is an attempt to descend into the "had a ham sandwich" sort of blog that is popular with the kids nowadays. So, to continue, getting my hair cut means that I have to shave (or else look really silly) which means I have to finish this blog and get off my arse and pretend I'm motivated to do stuff today. Yeah, that's it.

********************

One final thought. I had an idea for a summer camp for "north of route nine" kids. Yes, it's my Holyoke Summer Camp. Our "north of route nine" campers will learn about life in Holyoke and other real world places first hand rather than through the condescending, classist comments their parents make about a place they've hardly ever been to. Our campers will also learn to hold doors for people, will learn that saying hi to someone you don't know isn't a bizarre aberration, and--for those campers who have been to the DAR in Goshen--will learn to ask before using someone else's stuff. As you can see I got issues...

2003-08-19T20:13:00.000-04:00

ANYONE CAN PLAY GUITAR REVISITED

Well, I know you already know this, but the Air Guitar World Championships right around the corner. Yes, that famous harbinger of the end of my summer vacation is upon us once more. And in case I haven't referred often enough to this interview I pulled out of my emailling butt for Continental Drift(the magazine that fellow bloggers wouldn't even take free copies of), here is a link to it in my archives (look for February 10th when you get there; or teach me how to do those nifty permalinks...or are they hyperlinks? I'm not even sure). But, alas, Zac Monro has retired. A new champion will be crowned this year.

2003-08-14T23:35:00.000-04:00

MIGHTY BLOG

Well, Geophyte quit blogging today. He felt that there just weren't enough readers and, certainly, not enough pay. Well, George, I understand what you're saying, but I also know that Masslive needs you. I mean, you wrote your final blog entry around 3:30 and then Mass Live disappeared completely at four. A coincidence? I think not. Oh they clearly need you. What would they be without their bloggers?

In fact, on the pay issue, I think you, Geophyte, and the rest of us should go on strike until Masslive starts paying us. Yeah, that's it! A strike. "Fifteen cents a word and $5 a link" will be our slogan. (I know it ain't "Bread and Roses", but gimme a break, it's late.) They need us. And if this means coming to an agreement whereby I have to start whoring myself to advertise their products then so be it. I can live with that! Remember fellow bloggers: if we don't stand together then...we'll. um...(insert a pithy phrase in which it is clear that unity and comaraderie are better than, um, lack thereof...)

2003-08-13T18:32:00.000-04:00

MCAS Practice Question

Having had an MCASsy summer, I thought I'd share some of the joy with the rest of you...with a problem many of you can appreciate....

QUESTION ONE: Open Response question. Answer all parts of the question. Don't question the question.

Three bands (Band A, Band B, and Band C) are playing at a local club. Guitar player 1 plays for Band A. Guitar player 2 plays for Band A and Band C. Bass player 1 plays for Band A and Band B. Drummer 1 plays for Band A and Band C when he is needed but he doesn't get paid by Band C. Bass player 2 plays for Band C. He also plays drums for Band B. Singer 1 sings and plays guitar for Band B. The bands will be splitting 70% of the money taken in at the door. Each band will receive an equal amount of money, divided equally among each musician. Each band also can put three people on its guestlist. The entry charge is $5. A total of 54 people show up, including the musicians who get in for free. In addition, two people from Band A's guestlist show up and all three people from Band B and C's guestlists. Also, the door person lets in three friends at no charge. In addition, Band C sells 5 CDs (at a profit of 3 dollars each), the money to be divided equally among band members.

a) How much does bass player 1 earn?

b) How much does guitar player 2 earn?

c) How long would it take three groups of musicians to figure out how much they earned?

d) Did you find this question to be annoying and/or not realistic? If so, vent your complaints here.

2003-08-13T13:51:00.000-04:00

SIGH CLUB

I'm taking a break from not blogging to say that the long anticipated bloggerview with Sigh Club has arrived at Blog Beat. If you haven't already read it, I recommend it highly. And I'm not just saying that because I'm biased. I even get linked to somewhere in the bloggerview. I think I owe her money as a result, but, hey, it's worth it.

2003-08-08T12:17:00.000-04:00

ANOTHER CONFESSION

So, anyway, yesterday I was reading Scott's link to the story on penis spam. And thinking back to my Blogbeat interview (I won't link to it because I'm sure all of you have already permalinked to it anyway) with Scott in which he called me "mysterious" I decided it was time for another confession. ***Those of you who are thinking "oh my gawd, Joe bought those pills" should read further before thinking THAT of me*** So anyway, the confession: well, you see, like the two spam scammers mentioned in the story, I too have been a professional chess player. Yes, I, Joe M., used to play in real chess tournaments with real clocks and all the other magnificent and glorious accoutrements that makes the chess world what it is. Oh, (not to be gossippy or anything) and there's a local musician, whom I won't name at this time, who did the same. We even played against each other at least once.

But that's not what I really want to point out here. To know the funniest thing about two chess masters running a penis enlargement scam you need to read Alexander Cockburn's Idle Passion: Chess and the dance of death in which he psychoanalyzes the hell out of chess players and concludes that chess players have some Oedipal as well as envy problems. Great stuff.

I of course reject his conclusions. Sometimes a Queen's Gambit is just a Queen's Gambit. And, besides, I think he went into psychoanalysis because he has issues with his name. But what do I know.

2003-08-04T16:04:00.000-04:00

BOOK TALK: HARRY POTTER

K: Why are people on the darkside always so dumb?

J: so true, exactly what i was trying to refer to (without giving it away) in my blog. :) It's like, "hello, pardon us please, you may recognize us as the death eaters, so, if you'll be so kind, we might just be casting a spell at you in a minute or two...

K: as we're casting spells we're going to reveal all of the secrets that were looming throughout the whole book, the unanswered questions, the things that puzzled you so will be demystified oh dear potter boy!

J: yeah, it's just like the Columbo-(or other cop/detective show) style where the criminal wraps up all the loose ends while delaying killing the hero long enough for him to escape. Why do author's do that? isn't there a more creative way to reveal these things? i also think Voldemort suffers from excessively delegating authority as well. He's the boss who doles out all the work so he can golf all day.

K: I also think he likes Harry Potter a little too much, like he could be in love with him or something. It's like the obsessive/abusive relationship cycle. "I need you but I abhor you."

J: oh, totally. I'm not even going to get into the end of book four when the beams from their wands become interlocked and besides they have that whole "snake" thing going for them...(yeah, I know. Sometimes a wand is just a wand and a snake is just a snake). And Harry seems to get some strange orgasmic pleasure out of saying Voldemort's name out loud. Hermione is discovering this too, it seems. The other kids aren't quite awakened yet....

K: You'd think that they would enjoy saying the worst swear word ever. Isn't that what teenagers do best? Well, I haven't read the whole book just YET, so I'll reserve the rest of my comments for tomorrow.

J: gotcha...one final comment for today from me: 1) you would think that at least Draco Malfoy would use Voldemort’s name: "Yeah, frickin Lord Voldemort was over our house this summer. He stank up the bathroom and didn't use coasters. My mom is pissed at him."

2003-07-31T10:34:00.000-04:00

RANDUMB ENTRY

In the last two days both Geophyte (in the Weblogs forum) and Sean (in The Moon Hoax) have used the word "cabal". Hmmmm....Well, I think it's safe to say that they must have the same "word of the day" calendars on their desks. Or have they formed their own cabal? And, perhaps, entry into it revolves around using the word cabal. Oh wait, looks like I've joined the group.

And, did you know that one of the finest 19th-century alpaca and llama woolen mills was founded right here in Holyoke?

And, finally, yesterday someone called This is Really Happening (you're already here so don't try to click on it) "the Harry Potter blog"--I can see "the Real World blog" or "the annoying, smarmy blog" but "the Harry Potter blog"? Which leads me to announce that, indeed, another Harry Potter post will be going up later this afternoon.

2003-07-28T20:55:00.000-04:00

(REAL) WORLD TURNED UPSIDE DOWN

First, I must apologize for being away from my blog for so long. As sigh club and Scott B. (see post #164) pointed out, I have been vacationing way too much. Which is kind of funny, because it's also the first summer in years that I've actually worked. I blame the work, not the beach days though. I'm like that.

I suppose it's kind of late for fresh, witty comments about this past week's Real World PAris, but it's never too late for stale witty comments, so here's what I remember from the show. First of all, Simon and Mallory kissed. And it isn't even mentioned as a possible story line. What the hell are the editors thinking? It's the first thing Simon's done beside wear funny hats and it's, let's face it, at least interesting that the gay cast member has been filmed kissing one woman and no men so far. I know this is the easy road to take, but perhaps Simon isn't gay. Perhaps his schtick is to pretend to be gay so that he can get kisses from beautiful young girls who are trying to be bohemian on their first PArisian experience by kissing cute, loveable gay men. hmmmm... That would at least explain why none of the other cast members are showing that open homophobia that's become standard on the Real World. Everyone--except Mallory--has Simon figured out. Even Adam.

Next topic: so what happened to the French lessons the cast members were taking? Don't worry, I don't want to see that scary teacher again, but maybe, just maybe, we could see a cast member try out his or her French? Oh, wait a minute, that would involve talking to French people and we know that ain't gonna happen. Being in PAris is all about going to bars to meet other Americans or, if you're adventurous, Canadians. Though I'm sure Adam's "girlfriend" was from Toronto. Certainly not Quebec at least.

And finally, Leah's brother PAscual came to visit. Wasn't it cute that both Mallory and Christina were flirting with him? Oh, wait, it wasn't, because he's a sophomore in high school. Most sophomores I know are about 15, maybe 16. And I know lots of viewers were probably thinking "PAscual, you lucky dog you!" but, think about it, if someone's 15 year old sister were there and, say, C.T. and Adam were flirting with her, you'd think they were sick, twisted, perverted, and/or desperate. And you'd be right. Ace once again stunned me by being likeable in this episode including the best line of the night, the one about Mallory being able to go to the Prom with PAscual.

Enough Real World PAris. Until tomorrow.

2003-07-22T20:06:00.000-04:00

HERE'S MY HARRY POTTER REVIEW. IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK AND WANT NO DETAILS FROM IT YOU MIGHT WANT TO SKIP THIS. I DON'T TELL YOU THE ENDING OR ANYTHING LAME LIKE THAT. OR WHO DIED. BUT I WILL REFER TO ONE OF THE ANTEPENULTIMATE SCENES AT SOME POINT

First of all, I must apologize for not following through on my dumb joke of telling you how many pages I had left in Harry Potter. It was funny at first when I was reading, like, 12 pages a day. But once I picked up the reading pace, it just didn't seem as cutesy. Plus I kept forgetting to include it in my blogs. So with that out of the way...

It was quite good. Probably my favorite of the series. Nice stuff really.

Hope you enjoyed my review. I will add that I largely have forgotten the first four books. Except this painful recollection that book two was weighed down by these unnecessary re-caps of things introduced in book one. Other than that, I can name a few characters, describe a few incidents. That's about it.

I will say, that I did guess who died well before it happened. If you want to hear how I figured that out, you can email me and ask, though I know you won't. And I will say

THIS IS THE PART THAT THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVEN'T READ THE LAST HUNDRED PAGES OR SO MIGHT WANT TO SKIP BECAUSE I DO MAKE REFERENCES TO, AS PREVIOUSLY PROMISED, ONE OF THE ANTEPENULTIMATE SCENES

that I thought those "Death Eaters" proved to be lame. You would think that after worshipping and practicing pure evil that they could take on some teenagers whom they caught off-guard. Oh well.

So, I'm unable to NOT tell you the ending. Forgive me, but I must. Here it is:

"...wake."

2003-07-18T14:40:00.000-04:00

STILL HAVEN'T FOUND WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR

I'm always amused when I take a look at my tracker to see who has searched the internet looking for something important and meaningful to them but who accidentally found This Is Really Happening.

Here's a look at the last twenty search engine hits:

Not surprisingly, some Radiohead searches:
"radiohead merchandise"
radiohead, merchandise, hail to the thief
radiohead this is really happening
"this is really happening" (I assume this is a Radiohead search)

Some ever-popular Real World searches:
real world and mallory and ace
"Real World Paris" "Ace"
famous real world paris cast
real world ace and mallory together
sightings "Real World" Mallory
Real World Paris CT
real world mallory update

Then there are some random ones:
"Ira Glass" blog
what is really happening
what is happening in paris today?


But these, THESE, are truly fascinating to me:

riders against ginger
dieseling car
the no bullshit news , what really happening

Why haven't the rest of you been searching for Riders Against Ginger? Don't we all need to know more about dieseling cars? And is there really a "no bullshit" news? That would be cool.

Well, off to search the Internet for some MCAS materials (and, of course, rider against ginger too...).

2003-07-17T17:13:00.000-04:00

A CONFESSION

Upon seeing this title, some people might think that I'm going to reveal that I secretly love a lot of John (Cougar) (Mellencamp) songs. But I'm not going to do that. Instead, I have to confess that, as a full-fledged adult, I love playing the "license plate game." You know it. You're on a long car trip so you pass the time trying to identify as many different state license plates as possible. And of course I play it competitively. I realize that those of you who live north of Route 9 probably work as a team to see how many you can get as a group, congratulating each other on being the quickest. But not me. I play to win. Which is not to say I do win. In fact I never win. Just ask sigh club who uses her multi-tasking skills to her advantage. As my mind drifts, listening to music or NPR, she is constantly scanning the roadways for an unclaimed plate. Even when she appears to be sleeping, watch out. One eye is probably open and glued to that plate in the distance...is that an...ARIZONA!

On a typical trip to, say, Pennsylvania, we might get a total of twenty or so. A shorter trip through the Connecticut outback might yield only ten. But, no matter the number found, I always seem to lose the game. Sometimes by just one. Sometimes by a landslide.

I was going to go into the rules of the game, but that might give you an advantage when you first ride in a car with me. Oh, and I will insist on playing because there must be someone I can beat at this game out there somewhere.

Oh, and one final thing. Though a 300 mile trip might yield 20 or 25 plates, I could get at least that many driving to work in the morning. Yes, the richest concentration of out-of-state plates in the universe is the stretch of Route 9 from the Academy of Music to Cooley Dickinson. Now if I could only find someone to carpool with I'd be all set.

2003-07-16T16:19:00.000-04:00

JUST DONE

Well, it’s been awhile since I’ve written at length about Real World PAris because it’s been a while since I’ve seen the show. Well, actually, this past weekend I saw one and a half of the episodes I’d missed, but I figured it was old news at that point. And, as you know, I will only cover topics that are timely, relevant, and meaningful.

So I’ll start with Real World PAris’s greatest moment of the week: Christina being told by her boss that her writing makes no sense. It didn’t just need to be edited; it needed to be fleshed out into something that communicated a thought. The funniest part of all this was that she was surprised when this happened. Were you surprised? I know I wasn’t. I won’t go into her previous butchering of the English language because it’s been covered pretty thoroughly at Television Without Pity--which I won’t bother linking to because I’ve linked to them before and they haven’t reciprocated and that’s what blogging is all about dear friends.

Okay, more Real World PAris thoughts: last night I developed a theory. Here it is: Simon, whom we see glimpses of in each of the episodes, is a computer-generated character. He doesn’t really exist. I figure they give him a very limited number of lines because if they tried to center a story on him, viewers might notice that none of the other cast members see him. I can’t explain why the computer-generators keep putting different hats on him, but I’m sure I can work that into my theory if I think about it. Come to think of it, PAris itself might be computer-generated too. That would explain why the only landmark they show is the Eiffel Tower and why precious few French people ever wander into a shot.

Let’s see, what else. Oh yes, our dearest Adam, who spent the first god-knows-how-many episodes trying to find a woman for a relationship, finally gets a girlfriend--apparently by calling her so repeatedly that Ace and C.T. mock him for his stalkerish behavior--and then immediately sours on the idea and wants to “just be friends.” Note to Adam: Adam, I don’t know if you noticed, but that woman was so damned happy when you told her. Did you happen to notice that she didn’t break down and cry or even wince at the idea? Were you ever really in a relationship with her or were you projecting that?

Oh, and Ace has, in his own way, become somewhat likable. Mostly probably because he’s shut his damned mouth about wanting to eat at McDonalds all the time and stopped making everyone drink themselves to oblivion with his ethyl alcohol concoctions, but also because of his wonderful facial expressions when Adam or C.T. are doing some stupid-assed thing. His look can best be titled: “I May Be Dumm, But I Shure as Hell Ain’t That Dumm. Sheee-it, That Was Dumm”

Oh, and I hope Frommers warns the world when they publish the guidebook that the Real World PAris cast are writing because I don’t trust them to tell me ANYTHING about PAris. And, if you need to find out something about PAris, just ask me. I must admit my firsthand knowledge is about ten years old, but that’s a helluva lot better than trusting Ace to tell you where to shop (Walmart, no doubt) and eat fancy (Wendy’s). Oh, and one final guidebook gripe: who in the world gets a $250 bonus for getting their job done on time? Not well. Not successfully or efficiently. Just done.

I’m just done.

2003-07-15T19:22:00.000-04:00

BACK TO BLOGGING

Last night we spent our second straight night at the Iron Horse. (No, I'm not going to link to THEM). --when your entire sentence is in parentheses, where do you put the period? Any help on this one? Anyway, as I was saying, we were at the big School for the Dead, The Mitchells, and Pictures of Animals show last night. I think the waitress believed that we were back because of her effecient and friendly service, but really we weren't. Sorry.

I really enjoyed the activities page on our table. Thanks SFTD. Though I lost the word search race I had with sigh club. I enjoyed the least favorites activity the best. Though it was hard to decide. Except for "least favorite song" which is easily "Feel Like Makin' Love" and "least favorite machine" which is, of course, the machine in The Wall that turns students into sausage. Anyway, I was filled with glee. Oh, the music was great too. That was the first time I saw SFTD and I thought they were quite nice. The Mitchells were wonderful as always.

Sunday night, we saw The Fucking Sparklies, who were good but I think played too long. A little Fucking Sparklies is what I want. Just a taste. Though sigh club and I agree that more songs by the keyboard player is what the world needs. And, of course, they have the most emotive drummer in rock n roll. So that's cool. The Mobius Band always amaze me. It took them a while to get going, but once they did...(Sean, could you insert a show reviewer phrase here?)

I wasn't smitten with The Broken Social Scene. Probably because of all the hype and the this is gonna be ultra-amazingness that was going on. If everyone said that they were a solid Canadian band with a lot of guitarists I think I would've liked them more. When I realized they were sporting a four guitar army, I was a little concerned they'd break into ."Green Grass and High Tides" complete with synchronized guitar moves. Thankfully, that didn't happen, at least not while we were there.

Two great shows though.

Now, enough with these damned Iron Horse shows. Play somewhere with bad acoustics, smoking, and cheap beers. I don't mind.

2003-07-11T14:05:00.000-04:00

THIS BLOGGING LIFE

I tell ya, sometimes it's hard to be a blogger. For example, just this morning a spent close to an hour trying to research a new blog entry. It was going to be a follow-up to my Nietzsche or Feng Shui quiz. But, alas, there will be no "Mao Tse-Tung or Wang Chung" quiz. The Wang Chung lyrics were just too misogynist (yes, I know, and lame too) and the Mao quotes were far too long-winded. I even tried www.pithymaoquotes.com but no luck. So I've decided to scrap that plan, for now at least.

2003-07-11T11:31:00.000-04:00

IT'S BEEN AWHILE

Well, it's been awhile since I updated you on my Potter progress. I'm picking up speed and now have 330 pages to go. I know you're anxiously awaiting my opinion on the book. Without giving too much away, some interesting words from recent pages include: potions, Hermione, forest, and Quiddich.

I also haven't updated my Real World PAris series of blogs lately because I've missed the show two weeks in a row. I know, I know, have I no loyalty to my reality TV? But I did get to carry around a bucket of quarters for three hours only to be saved from losing money on the night by a magic bathroom stall. Well, I wouldn't have written anything better on Real World PAris than this anyway, so I'm happy to leave my episode 5 musings in the hands of TWP.

It's also been awhile since I've heard live music, but that will end Sunday as I get to see the Fucking Sparklies, The Mobius Band, and some Canadian music "collective" group thing. I know nothing about them, but Sean Glennon interviewed one of them in this week's Advocate. In fact, I'm meeting someone from one of the bands today in order to buy tickets AND get a free Mobius Band CD. Or at least that's what we've been promised. For all I know, I'm going to end up beaten and bruised in some Northampton alleyway. You know how shady those former Wesleyan students can be. And on Monday, I'm hoping to go see the Mitchells and School for the Dead. Another great show. The thing about the Iron Horse though: the beers are too damned expensive...

Oh, and one final thought for today: $75 for Bob Dylan? $50 for Tracy Chapman? I think some local promoters are getting a little too rich off of us poor slobs. And besides, $75 for Bob Dylan?????

2003-07-09T12:42:00.000-04:00

THE WONDER OF IT ALL

Though many people have tried to find gambling systems to beat the casino, we all know that none of them work well. But I have discovered the best one of all.

First of all, arm yourself with about $40 in quarters. Having such limited funds will keep you away from the real games like Blackjack and send you directly into the quarter slots where it is easy to make a small fortune if you follow my system. And, here it is:

Look for someone who is playing and clearly not enjoying him/herself. This isn't hard to do. We saw someone win a $1000 playing slots yesterday and he looked like he was in pain doing it. These people that we are looking for are also easy to spot because they're generally playing two or three machines at once, not even watching the results. A third clue is that they are generally attached to the machine by way of their Wampum Club Card and an ingeniously designed lanyard that keeps them from forgetting the damned thing in the machine yet again. Okay, so here's the system. Sit down next to one of these people. You are going to win. No doubt about it. Why you may ask? Because these people will be so pissed off that they didn't chose that machine that you--someone who giggles with delight when you win $6--stumbled on to. And they will curse the gods of gambling who are so against them yet again. And, let's face it, the gods of gambling will be helping you out, not because you deserve it, but because these "players" will feel that fate is against them and they would be winning "if only...". So that's my system. It worked for us yesterday. We successfully enraged a good half dozen hard core slot machine junkies using this simple system. Try it. Let me know how it works.

Oh, and I've got one other casino idea that I didn't try myself but would if I weren't so meek. Okay, go to a Blackjack table, sit down, and say to the dealer: "You get many card counters here?" (For those of you who didn't watch Vegas starring Robert Urich, card counting is an illegal blackjack activity in which you try to remember what cards have been played in order to improve your chances of winning) The dealer will say something like: "A few, but we usually catch them and have them removed." He'll, of course, be eyeing you suspiciously and might even surreptitiously summon the pit boss, which is a cool job title don't you think?

Anyway, as the dealer begins to deal to the players at the table, start counting along with his deal real loud: ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX!! (I think this is funnier when you picture it instead of just reading it. But I'm not sure....)

I wonder what they would do. Like I said, I'm too wimpy to do it myself, but let me know what happens.

2003-07-09T12:25:00.000-04:00

BEACH NPR

As we were driving home from the beach yesterday I had a thought. Wouldn't it be great to combine NPR with a beach radio station so as you tanned in the sunny sands you could have the best of both worlds on your radio...I think it would sound something like this...

"This week's All Things Considered is coming to you from the Andrea Hotel here at beautiful Misquamicut Beach. We'll be here from 4-6 with some thoughtful commentary AND some great giveaways. So come on down to the Andrea. Today's special is a bucket of wine spritzers for just six bucks. Over to you, Robert Siegel..."

We begin our show with a conversation with playwright, author and Nobel Laureate Wole Soyinka. "Wole, what do you think of the waves today?"

"They are very nice. Good for riding. But, kids, watch out for that undertow."

"Thank you Wole. We'll come back to our interview in a few minutes, but first let's have a listen to Cyndi Lauper's Girls Just Wanna Have Fun..."

Back on the deck we're going to interview some patrons. "Sir, how are you enjoying the beach today?"

"It's great, I'm working on a colossal sunburn."

"And how do you feel about Israel's treatment of Palistinians in the Occupied Territories?"

"Sucks, man."

"Are you ready to try to win a prize? It's an NPR beachball with Ira Glass's picture on it."

"I'm psyched."

"Okay, here's the question. If Chopin were playing at the Andrea tonight, what Jimmy Buffet song would he most likely cover?"

"While you're thinking of your answer, may I remind our listeners that this week's This American Life is a beach special. The stories you'll here will include: "Catch a Wave" Joe M's metaphysical essay on body surfing and "The Perfect Pitcher" about a blenderful of Marguaritas and how they changed one man's destiny....

2003-07-07T16:50:00.000-04:00

MECCA

Ah, yes, the bologna factory tour. I've spoken longingly of it before, but now that dream has been realized.

When we opened the factory door, we were greeted with the sickly sweet smell of bologna and machinery. One of life's greatest pleasures. Interestingly, the tour consisted only of a video which was not on and a shop looking a bit like a butcher's I had visited in eastern Europe once long ago. Taking a cue from the clerk's sad, tired expression we didn't pursue the matter of the video. I think it would have driven her to discover the Joy Division all on her own. The other half of the tour was, as I mentioned, a small shop selling a limited number of Seltzer's mighty product line. I loved it. It was the perfect tour. We bought a few things, though I was a bit disappointed in the lack of t-shirts in my size. Oh, and when asked why full tours were no longer given, the clerk replied: "Health reasons. People were touching things they weren't supposed to." Are you picturing a Willy Wonka wonderland of bologna? I know I am. "Look Veruca, it's the everlasting Scrapple fry!!"

We also found out later that, with K's connection to the mighty empire of smoked meat, we someday can get a tour of the plant. And all the free samples we could possibly want. Oh, Arnold may have married into the Kennedy family and may dream of becoming govnah, but can he make one phone call and get ten pounds of "Bologna Pops" (yes, that's a round hunk of bologna on a stick) sent to him? I think not.

Oh, and if you're wondering about the title of my last blog entry...it's the Elton John song we were singing on the way home yesterday.

2003-07-07T15:38:00.000-04:00

"HOLD ME CLOSER TONY DANZA"

Well, Scott, you're really confusing me. Last week you chided me for blogging while at the beach and today you're looking for more...I'll do my best to oblige, but, unfortunately, the rest of my blogs about vacation will be coming in slowly. I'm gearing up for my summer job AND going on yet another daytrip tomorrow, so I apologize if these entries are few and far between. I think the best vacation stories are over at my favorite blog, sigh club anyway...

So, to tide you over until I can tell more beachy stories, here's a food fact I learned on Saturday: The roadrunner (which is much smaller than it appears on TV) will "prepare" its food (usually small to mid-sized desert rodents) by repeatedly pounding it on a rock until it is a pulpy mess. So, the next time you're watching Wily Coyote prepare yet another Acme roadrunner catching device remember one thing: somewhere off-camera the Roadrunner is beating the crap out of some poor dead rodent, making it into a desert rat milkshake of sorts. beep beep, indeed.

2003-07-04T18:58:00.000-04:00

SHAMED

I truly enjoyed Scott's shaming of me the other day in Blog Beat. But when you've got a sunburn shaped like the Madonna, you just gotta let people know right away. And I figured that, as a means of communicating, it was easier (and cheaper) than sending postcards (though without the pretty, outdated pictures) and a better use of time than drinking beer and playing pitch. But, what do I know?

Oh, Harry Potter update: 592 pages to go. Some keywords from the most recent page I read (to whet your appetite for my review of the book): detention, broom, Hermione...

2003-07-02T11:18:00.000-04:00

VISIONS

On the beach Monday I made a rookie error. I decided to apply some sunscreen only to the areas of my body that (I thought) "really" needed it. You know, shoulders, knees, tops of feet, etc. Well, as it turned out, the sun decided to play a trick on me: it burned the hell out of the rest of my body, leaving those sunscreened areas a pure white. Interestingly, my right shoulder and back look a bit like the vision on the Madonna that appeared in that hospital window (I'd look for a link here, but I only have thirty minutes here on the West Dennis Library computer). So, as I walk down the beach today, I fear that I am going to start drawing crowds. Believers, skeptics, the curious. Then my story will be picked up by the cable networks and I'll have camera crews following me around and helicopters hovering overhead. To this point, it's only been friends (and strangers as well) making smart-ass comments about how to apply sunscreen, but I'm sure the vision will become clear to them soon enough.

Well, my time is up for now. More later.

2003-06-29T11:00:00.000-04:00

AWAY

Well, dear blogging friends, I'll be away on vacation for much of the next week. If I don't have a chance to post, sorry! (please note: that "sorry" is spoken with a cheesy English accent which, I have been told, I use to denote insincerity).

What, you might be asking yourselves, can you do while I'm away? How will you fill the empty minutes?

Some ideas:

1) Go to the beach, that's one of the things I'll be doing. Or, at least, you can go to Blog Beat and find some links to fascinating NJ beach-based web cams. It's just like being there, I promise.

2) Visit a bologna factory. Something I also hope to do this week.

3) Leave a comment on my blog. People who have done it speak highly of the experience.

4) Read Harry Potter. I have 719 pages to go. See if you can beat me to the end.

5) Ride the bumper boats at Look Park. I did it yesterday for the first time. It was great. And it's amazing to see people's affects change the minute they get control of that gas-powered inner tube.

Well, I would think of more, but I must get on with my day. I don't know yet what that will consist of, but I do know it will be outdoors. See you later.

2003-06-26T17:23:00.000-04:00

OH YEAH, THE REAL WORLD

The Real World--PAris this week was such a yawn that I almost forgot to post about it. Let's see. First of all, the curious lack of French people in the show continues to disturb me. Perhaps MTV, in deference to the insane, anti-French climate sweeping the country, has edited them out of the show.

Once again one of the Real World gang had a problem (remember Ace's hatred of the French and Mallory's drinking from previous episodes) that was solved instantaneously. This time it was C.T., who apparently was trying to get out of doing any work or buying any food because he had paid for a nephew's Happy Meal back in 1999. Luckily, Christine cured him and by the end of the show he was cleaning up the place like a man possessed. He did have the two best lines of the show: "It's like a wave that keeps buildin and buildin and den it comes crashin duwn." and of course the existential statement of the decade: "Othah people warh eaten the peanut budduh."

Oh, and the Television Without Pity "who's the hottest male cast member" poll currently shows Simon in the lead with 48%. I'm not surprised. This week, I also realized that Simon has as many hats as Ace, but few people notice because they're not Viking helmets and sombreros, and the like.

Another fine moment this week was when C.T. tried to help Ace with his hair and everyone panicked fearing the obvious scary result.

Normally I would throw in one of my PAris memories here but I'm pretty sure that RW PAris wasn't actually filmed in PAris.

Oh, but please notice that I've started spelling PAris with a capital A because it looks like the Eiffel Tower. Pretty cool, eh?

2003-06-26T10:40:00.000-04:00

Bloggerview II

Well, it's been over a week since my Masslive bloggerview and I'm suffering withdrawal. Why doesn't anyone else want to interview me?? Anyway, I decided to take matters into my own hands and interview myself this week...

Q: How are you doing, Joe?

A: Good. Thanks for asking.

Q: I see from your blog that you're offering a free giveaway?

A: Yes, all you have to do is leave a comment and I'll send you two collector copies of "Continental Drift."

Q: I noticed that that post included a really long piece of someone else's writing...

A: Yes. I did that solely to bulk up my blog and make people think that I'm writing a lot when, in fact, I'm mostly sitting around complaining about the heat.

Q: Anything else new?

A: Yes, that job I interviewed for yesterday...I actually got it.

Q: Great news...

A: Yes, it should be a great experience. Although my original plan was to apply for this job I thought I had no chance of getting and then take the summer off, using that as proof that I tried to get work.

Q: Hmmmm...

A: But, as I said, I'm looking forward to it. I think there might even be toothpaste samples involved...

Q: What do you think of this whole alpacas vs. llamas debate going around the local blog world?

A: Some days I'm a llama fan and some I'm an alpaca fan. It's too hard to decide. Llamas are more down-to-earth though. My kinda people.

Q: Some would suggest that interviewing yourself--not to mention quoting other people's writing at length--in your blog is a sure sign that your blog has "jumped the shark"...

A: That's such a cool term--thank you sigh club for introducing me to it. At this time, "jumping the shark" only refers to TV shows. I am, however, hoping to extend it to blogs and other media by constantly using it until it's pointed out to me that the term "jumping the shark" has, itself, "jumped the shark."

Well, that concludes this week's interview. We'll be back next week...

Oh, Harry Potter? 768 pages to go.

2003-06-26T09:21:00.000-04:00

FREE GIVEAWAY!!

First of all, I have a confession to make. I used to drive a Yugo. Yes, that high quality, low-cost car from the former Yugoslavia. And I have many fond memories of that car...the way the seatbelts were stapled to the car to keep them in place (and they were high quality staples, don’t get me wrong). The glove compartment that was a zippered pocket behind the passenger seat. The way the car at 55 m.p.h. would rattle as if it were passing into another dimension but would ride smooth at 70. Oh and who can forget the way it would overheat anytime I sat in traffic for more than 5 minutes. And, my favorite memory...having to pay $15 to buy a replacement gas cap at a tme when the car’s blue book value was a hundred dollars. Yes, the gas cap was 15% of the value of the car. That my friends, was a CAR.

All of this reminiscing reminds me of a story that appeared in our short-lived magazine--journal actually--Continental Drift. It was called “Motoring in Bulgaria” by Vladimir Tzanov.

And, in an effort to get people to use my brand new comments feature, I’m offering you this free giveaway!! If you comment on this blog, I will send you copies of the only two extant issues of “CONTINENTAL DRIFT, a journal of European travel”. Yes, a $6 (plus shipping and handling) value for free. And all you have to do is comment on this blog entry!!

So, here is a long excerpt from Vladimir’s contribution to our journal:

“Motoring in Bulgaria”

A never-ending old timer procession-that's what the streets of my city Sofia look like. Sofia is the capital city of Bulgaria-a country where the average monthly wage is in the hundred and fifty dollars' range. However, Bulgaria is as vehicle-minded as any developed nation. With such meager income, most of my fellow citizens have no other choice but run wreckage whose proper place is in the museum of mechanical history.

It is the vehicle that rules the life of its owner, and not vice versa. Choice was limited to less than ten models, supplied from Russia, former East Germany and Czechoslovakia, and their procural was cumbersome. The prospective buyer was required to specify the car he wanted, pay a 20% deposit and wait quietly for his turn. This process took about ten years. But by and large, the vehicle would finally land in the owner's yard-exactly the same model he ordered 10 years ago. Usually, the owner ended up with a sturdy Moskvich (made in Moscow), or a Lada (made in Toliati, Russia, under Fiat).

The Moskvich is a typical Russian concept-an all-purpose family sedan, well-adapted to the nightmares of the Russian roadway system. Its chassis can withstand nearly 1 ton of payload. Some farmers assign to their Moskvich, among other things, the duty of a tractor, which the vehicle manages with ease.

The first Ladas that appeared in the early 70's were more civilized. They had a quieter engine, softer suspension and a more easily manageable wheel. However, Ladas cannot carry out the feats of its robust competitor. It caused the motoring community to split in two factions: “peasants” who continued to stick to Moskvich and “citizens” who chose the more European-looking vehicle.

But, both parties united when it came to mocking the Trabant. Indeed, this two-door, two-cylinder, two-stroke, 26 HP machine, made in former East Germany, looked like a toy rather than a family sedan, as the East Germans classified it (Trabant means "satellite"). One of the numerous jokes about the “Trabi” was that to buy spare parts for it one had to go to the bookstore-the car's body is made from some type of pressed cardboard. The advantage of owning a Trabant, however, is the speedy delivery time: only one to three years. Thus, many families preferred a Trabant and the ridiculing attached to it over endless waiting.

So our lucky dads usually owned their first car by their late 30's or even 40's. Undoubtedly, the occasion when a man purchased his car ranked in importance with his wedding and with the birth of his children. Soon the new vehicle would occupy most of the husband's life and affection. It was given more time and care than the owner's wife could ever hope to get. And this still shows. The wife may have passed away, but the car is still proudly going.

But soon the “perfect car,” as the dealer called it at the time of purchase, begins to surrender both to its age and to the local bumpy roads. Expenses build up and the pride of having a modern car gives in to the headache of keeping it going. It is a usual practice for dealers to gently push back the mileage counter on the dashboard, thus assuring you that "this car will outlive both you and me.” So an engine which is supposed to last forever soon starts to produce thick black smoke heralding the encroaching end of its lifetime. It will not be long before the exhaust system falls apart. Brake pads, belts and shock absorbers will soon follow.

Then there are the cars of the newly rich. These are new Fords, Opels, Fiats, Peugeots, etc. Although technically fit, these cars are big trouble to their owners: Amidst a generally cheerless environment they look absurd. Such cars attract envy, public disapproval and the most sophisticated car thieves in Europe. The owners of these vehicles never sleep well, and quite often their worst fears come true: one nice morning they find that their expensive car has vanished into thin air.

The outlook, therefore, is not bright at all. Bulgaria will keep on riding obsolete vehicles and collecting cast-offs from advanced nations, a formula which continues to test the thresholds of machines and humans.

2003-06-25T13:06:00.000-04:00

POTTER UPDATE

Well, down to 797 pages to go. The book's going quite nicely so far. Though I won't give the plot away, I will say that the font is Garamond, for those of you who were wondering.

Right now, I'm at school once again. The fan is missing from my stiffling classroom. That does not bode well for September. I just interviewed for the summer program. In typical Joe fashion, I spilled water on myself about 5 minutes before the interview. Luckily, it all evaporated as I walked across the parking lot.

Off to find cool places.

2003-06-24T19:50:00.000-04:00

HARRY POTTER REVIEW

Well, I've got about 825 pages to go. It's going fairly well so far. Once I finish, I'll write a review of the book. But it might not be very good. First of all, because I have trouble remembering book 4. It's been a while since I read it and I have a terrible memory for this sort of thing. My other problem is that I just read Shakey. So, if I mention Harry getting all coked out and letting down S, N, and Y, please forgive the transgression. One old, obscurish book I do recommend is At Swim-Two-Birds by Flann O'Brien. That's all I have to say about that for now. I'll add a link later. Back to Harry Potter. I think he's about to sing through some strange voice-changing thingie...oh wait...

2003-06-24T14:28:00.000-04:00

THE END

Well, just when I thought it would last forever, my work year has come to an end. I know, no one feels bad for me when i say "I thought it was never going to end" what with my 10 weeks off in the summer and my weeks off scattered throughout the year and days off when it snows, seemingly even a little bit...So I won't linger on this theme.

But I must say goodbye to my windowless classroom. I wish I could say I've grown to like you. Though I do marvel at the way the smoke from the student bathrooms flows directly through here on its trip through the ventilation system...And I'm realizing today that I should've been thankful for the cool May and June weather, because after one hot day it is stiffling (see comments) in here.

And I will miss the students. A lot of people don't believe me when I say that, but it's true.

And I just realized, that, despite my impending vacation, I'll be back here tomorrow. Finishing straightening out, interviewing for a summer job, all kinds of fun stuff.

2003-06-24T09:43:00.000-04:00

ADD TO THE LIST

Well, for those of you keeping track of my unique work environment, you can add this one to my list of sightings(see "Just Another Day on the Farm"):

Two students walking down the hallway, one of them carrying a HUGE white bunny. Not a stuffed one of course, a real and did I mention HUGE white bunny. Bobcat-sized big.

And, while I'm here, I've added a comment button. Feel free to comment. For example, if you're the person from the Worldbank (see my tracker for details) who was searching for Ace from Real World and found this blog, stop in the comment area and say "howdy." Don't worry, you're not the only one who searches out Real World info on worktime...but Ace??? Come on!

2003-06-23T08:05:00.000-04:00

YOU SHOOK ME ALL NIGHT LONG

Well, I had a great time at ABC last night. We saw WRC. They even did an AC/DC cover. Well, enough with the initials...

I always love seeing Ware River Club when they're the only band playing. Three big sets. Well, last night was two big, longer than expected sets and then a two song final set. But, hey, some Misfits and "50 Years of Smoking" makes for a full set in my book. At any rate, it's the first time I've seen people dance at ABC (okay, so I've only been there a few times for music so maybe it's not a rare thing). And I'm looking forward to the new, long-forthcoming WRC album. The new material sounds better than ever.

Oh, and my report card from last night:

Heather Ale--a bit flat, disappointing, change the keg please. (when it's fresh it's great btw)

Porter--not bad. tasty and smooth. Though I still prefer BBC's Draymans Porter.

Pale Ale--well, they were out of IPA so I settled for the Pale Ale which, as it turned out, was quite hoppy anyway. mmmmm hops.

2003-06-19T14:45:00.000-04:00

The Bloggerview

Well, I wasn’t going to write anything here about my bloggerview with Scott because I figured most of my readers (I’m thinking 5 out of 7, maybe 6 out of seven) have already seen it. But since he mentioned it, I figured I’d try to think of something interesting to say. I enjoyed being interviewed, I enjoyed the final product, I’m enjoying writing a run-on sentence right now, it was all good.

I think the interview idea is a great one and I was humbled that Scott thought highly enough of my blog to do the first interview with me. When I say humbled, by the way, I mean humbled like Morrissey when he sprawls across the monitor with his arm over the head as if he is pained by the adulation he is receiving.

As you can see, the reviews have been spectacular:

“Joe..laughs when he reads his own blog.” Jennifer Myszkowski

“I'm not saying the interview is incredibly compelling.” The Moon Hoax

“a pretty interesting guy” The Moon Hoax

“seems like a nice, intelligent chap.” Geophyte

“I personally know the famous Joe M.” sigh club

“the ever-humble Joe M.” Blog Beat

So, dear readers, thank you for reading. And thanks for writing blogs that are far better than mine.

Oh, and Scott, who’s the next interview with? You can tell me. I won’t tell anyone. Honest.

2003-06-19T13:53:00.000-04:00

MY IGNORANT RANT AGAINST THE FRENCH by JAMES LILEKS

What are they thinking at the Springfield Republican? I was reading yesterday’s paper (I think it was yesterday’s) and I see this article on France’s push to get tourists to go back to France by James Lileks. And there’s a picture of Woody Allen with the story. So, I’m interested. I start reading and quickly realize that it’s nothing more than a feeble-minded diatribe against the French. And it wasn’t even funny. Beyond that, it was ignorant. Which is annoying, because there were the makings of a good, possibly humorous story there. But the author chose to slander the French instead. Lileks is no doubt still trying to get over failing his Post-Modern Theory class in college.

Anyway, his story led me to think about what I find annoying about the French. I might as well jump on the ignorant, Know-Nothing bandwagon before it leaves me behind.

Here’s my list:

1) French people are way too fashionable. You never see anyone wearing a “Je Suis Avec Stupide” T-shirt.

2) I hate the way you can see someone in Paris on an 80 degree day (again, no conversion to Celsius) wearing a leather jacket and they’re not sweating. What’s up with that?

3) Everyone there has a haircut that looks like it cost $300. And where are the mullets? The French are so out of touch.

4) Too many great wines to choose from. Just try to find Andre Cold Duck. Ain’t gonna happen.

5) Way too many museums to choose from. How can those tour buses full of Americans decide which ones to drive by?

6) The Eiffel Tower is a good idea, but it would be a helluva lot better in the middle of a Six Flags. Think about it Parisians, a roller coaster that weaves in and out of the Tower…it’s a natural.

2003-06-19T09:32:00.000-04:00

DO YOU HAVE SIR WALTER RALEIGH IN A CAN?

Okay, this isn't usually the sort of blog where I point you to news stories, but this one is irresistable. Castro falls for a prank phone call.

2003-06-18T08:44:00.000-04:00

REAL WORLD PARIS

Gotta love a Real World cast that is so lame that Ace is the number one sex object. Imagine if he had been cast in RW Las Vegas. He and his suitcase of funny hats would have been mocked derisively from day one. By the third show he would’ve been crying constantly and moaning “I’m going back to Walla Walla.”

The show is off to a great start though. In the second episode, Ace is exposed as a xenophobe and by the end of the episode he has learned his lesson and accepts that the French might, in fact, be human. And in the third episode, Mallory suddenly realizes that she has a drinking problem and is well on the way to fixing herself by the closing credits…that is, until she found the lost purse and realized that you can drink yourself into oblivion and all will be well. I’m still waiting to find out what Simon REALLY thinks of living with Americans.

The snow in last night’s episode reminds me of the first day I was ever in Paris. I went there during my January vacation the year I was at Stirling University in Scotland. I arrived at the start of a huge snowstorm. By the end of the evening, the temperature, with bitter winds, was in the teens (no conversion to Celsius, sorry) and there was a foot of snow on the ground. I’d say it was romantic, but when you’re staying alone in a small hotel near the Gare St. Lazarre with only sneakers to wear, things are a bit more bleak. (Why I didn’t have proper shoes for a winter trip to northern Europe is probably on your mind, but I have no witty explanation for it…) The amazing thing about that snowstorm was that by the morning commute all the snow on the city streets was gone. The sidewalks too. I don’t know how it was done or where the snow went, but it was an amazing bit of Public Works prowess.

Getting back to the Real World…So far, in three episodes, the cast members have met suspiciously few French people. So far, I recall the waiter, who really seemed to be loving being ordered around in English. Then, we have the French teacher, who seems to be your prototypical language immersion teacher. (you have a choice: take this class or nail your hand to a table, the experiences are about the same) That’s about it…

Also, oddly, the cast hasn’t been to Jim Morrison’s grave yet. For all Paris has to offer, that is the one mandatory pilgrimage as far as I’m concerned. The cast should’ve gone there to bond. Ace could’ve left one of his bottles of booze as an offering. Then the gang could’ve made a quick side trip to Oscar Wilde’s grave to appease Simon.

Well, I’m sure I have more to say, but for now, see you in the Real World…

2003-06-17T16:22:00.000-04:00

GHOSTS OF CONCERTS PAST

I was so glad to see that I'm not the only person who saves concert tickets for years and years. I don't always know where they are, but they turn up every now and then, usually when I'm moving or cleaning, two rare occasions. They all bring back memories...The Kinks at the Civic Center with an unknown Canadian, Bryan Adams, opening for them and getting booed mercilessly. Or the Talking Heads there, playing for a half full house and David Byrne running up into the empty seats and sitting in one for a while during "Life During Wartime." And REM with Radiohead at the Meadows or, almost as good, REM with 10000 Maniacs at the Centrum with Michael Stipe sitting at the front of the stage singing a duet with Natalie Merchant. Or trying to get through the Pearl Street crowd when the Pogues played and having someone with nasty teeth and glassy eyes stumble into me as he made his way backstage....ahhh, the sweet smell of whiskey. Well, enough reminiscing, off to make dinner...

2003-06-13T16:25:00.000-04:00

I MISS THE LLAMAS

It's hard to believe it's been nearly a year since the llama hike. I'd provide a link here, but I can't find it at the moment. Maybe later. And, I miss the llamas. I wonder how they are? hmmmm. And, what's more, how does one top a llama hike? Is there anything more fun and unique? I don't know. But I'll figure something out...

2003-06-10T09:02:00.000-04:00

WE SUCK YOUNG BLOOD

Well, with the release of Radiohead’s new album, “Hail to the Thief,” comes the release of new Radiohead merchandise. And the exciting part is that it’s in time for that ‘end of the school year buy your teacher a gift time’. And Radiohead has the perfect gift idea for any teacher.

2003-06-09T12:29:00.000-04:00

HAIL TO THE THIEF

As I anxiously await the release of Radiohead's "Hail to the Thief" I thought I'd post this early review that a friend sent me:

"I just happened to stumble upon a copy of Hail To the Thief today. Apparently Music Outlet, a small independent record store in Enfield, deemed it appropriate to stock it two days early. Score! There's actually guitars and drums on this album, and although some songs feel a little mismatched, I'm digg'n it. Unlike Kid A, it lacks cohesiveness and works more on the lines of a song based album, sort like their earlier stuff. I think that's cool because bullshit-know-it-all music critics won't peg it as a "concept album" (like what happened with OK computer). Come to think of it, people do think its a sort of concept album.... nevermind. Its still pretty far out musically - not even close to the supposed "guitar rock" regression that was rumored (who the hell wanted that anyway?) I believe there's at least three or four guitar based tracks, and although slightly misplaced sounding, they "rock" (in a Radiohead way). My favorite track, at this point is "Where I End and You Begin" which starts out like some creepy 50's sci-fi movie and morphs into what is probably the most killer bass on line on the album. Pretty sweet. Thom sounds excellent throughout. Well, that's Hail To The Thief... definitely worth a listen...."

2003-06-05T12:29:00.000-04:00

RISING FROM THE ASHES

Well, though my last venture into trying to sell my writing (see blogpost: “Rejection”) didn’t work out, I have a sure-fire new idea. A film script. Well, at this point I just have the treatment done, but it’s a sure thing:

RISING FROM THE ASHES

Set in the early 1970’s, in the age of student activism and protest and social consciousness, a group of students band together to change their school for the better. Incensed by the injustices at their high school, they organize a fight to get a designated student smoking area at their school. It’s a feel good movie in which they fight the good fight against uncaring administrators. Helped out by one of their teachers, a cool guy with long hair and who wears jeans and who insists on being called Bill instead of Mr. Phoenix, they overcome their obstacles to win this right. Along the way they learn the lesson that some things are worth fighting for, even if it means facing detentions. Bill gets in trouble with his bosses but has a number of scene-stealing and thought-provoking lines which teach the audience while entertaining them with references to Woodstock and other 60’s landmark events. In the end, after thinking his job is lost, he manages to become the vice-principal.

There’s also a touching scene in which the popular jocks and some hippies come together for a surreptitious smoke and realize they have more in common than just cigarettes. It gives me goose pimples just thinking about how touching it is. And, the hippies come to understand why the jocks pick on them relentlessly and, when they go back to class, they’re more than happy to suffer the their abuse and that of the teacher as well.

Another landmark scene occurs in the smoke-laden teachers’ room as they talk about how these students need to be expelled and their smoking cigarettes is just going to lead to marijuana use and other offenses against decent society. One teacher decries the fact that the students just don't think about what they're doing accentuating his remark by tapping himself on the side of the head. He, unfortunately, forgets he is smoking a cigarette and burns himself. But his point is not missed. The scene’s most poignant moment comes when the cool teacher, who had been silent throughout the discussion, stands up and says: “Man, you’re just not where it’s at.”

In the end the students triumph, as I mentioned, and the administrators and teachers even come around to accept what’s happened when a representative from R.J. Reynolds shows up at the end and presents the school with a check for $100,000 to build a new gym. In the final scene of the film, the basketball jocks come out onto the court of the newly christened “R.J. Reynolds Gymnatorium” wearing their new uniforms sporting the school’s new nickname: “The Joe Camels.” All of the hippies and geeky kids cheer the team on in a newfound respect for their socially better peers. It ends with a freeze frame of the team boosting into the air their new coach (and vice principal), Bill, the cool teacher.

2003-06-02T12:30:00.000-04:00

YOUR ROOM SMELLS LIKE VINDALOO

Well, the other day I went to Bread & Circus to buy some lamb stew meat for my first go at making one of my favorite dishes: lamb saag. Well, they had it, but it was $9.99 a pound! For stew meat!! So, being “frugal” I bought less than I had planned and made my meal. Okay, apologies to you pricing guys at B & C, it was the tenderest meat I’ve ever had. It was wonderful. But I’m not here to advertise B & C. Right now, I’m on my lunch break, eating my tasty saag leftovers in my not-so-well ventilated, windowless classroom. I can’t wait to hear the complaints from my students. Ah, these are the things that will get me through June.

And eating this meal also reminds me of a cool Indian take away place in London, not far from Piccadilly Circus. They had this one item, which was kind of like a pakora, though big and flat. I don’t remember what it was called but it ruled my universe at the end of a night at the pub. I remember one night—this was back around 1990--I was taking the Underground back to my hotel, eating my pakora-like treat. Well, a “Guardian Angel” gets onto the train. The ones modeled after that New York “safety” group, not my own personal Clarence. There’s not much of a story here, but I’ll keep going…Anyway, he begins handing out informational leaflets and skips me, instead looking at me as if I were the peril that he was protecting the other riders against. I shrugged it off but to this day I wonder what it was about me he didn’t like. I mean, there were other slightly inebriated riders. Perhaps he was jealous of my take-away treat? Hmmm, I don’t know.

2003-06-01T10:19:00.000-04:00

MORRISON IN PARIS

I don't know why, but I'm feeling like Jim Morrison in Paris today. I've been sluggish and sleepy and lethargic all morning. But I don't know why...I got 9 hours of sleep and there were no Dionysian debauches last night. hmmmm. Oh well, I just shaved, so at least I'm not looking so much like him.

2003-06-01T09:33:00.000-04:00

RAINY NIGHT IN NOHO

Ah, another rainy weekend.

Last night I did some shopping at the international markets on route 9. Who would've ever imagined that Hadley would have three asian groceries? But they're great. I love looking at stuff that they just don't have at Stop n Shop: hmmm, dried sardines...spicy pickled carrots...pickled mustard plant, so many great things...I ended up buying some less exotic things--ginger, spinach, a spice mixture that was primarily cumin and turmuric, some cilantro.

Today, I'll do some apartment setting up, some schoolwork, and some listening to my favorite rainy day song: the Pogues' "A Rainy Night in Soho." The measure of my dreams...

2003-05-30T12:38:00.000-04:00

WHICH MATRIX PERSONA ARE YOU?

Well, I haven't had many bloggable thoughts lately, so I will offer this: Which Matrix persona are you?

2003-05-27T14:38:00.000-04:00

Cows Out!!

From my ever-growing storehouse of cow-analogies:

"He's one of those cows who's just gonna hafta run into the fence before he learns his lesson."

I think I might start compiling these into a book. Instead of "Chicken Soup for the Soul" it can be something like "London Broil for the Teacher's Heart" or something like that...

And speaking of red meat and the like, I went to the doctor on Friday and got the results of a cholesterol test. My cholesterol is 227 which might be high except for the fact that, and this is a quote from Dr. B "you have an inordinately high level of GOOD cholesterol." hmmmmm....

2003-05-24T19:58:00.000-04:00

Dear Boy, I'm Going to Make You a Man

Now that I've driven a 13 foot tall, 24 foot truck, I'm searching for other manly activities. If any of you know what they are, email me please...oh, and apologies to the twenty or so drivers going over the Notch today just afternoon. It took a little longer but you got where you were going, didn't you?

Oh, and thanks to the young boy at the truck rental place who looked at us in awe when he found out we had driven the 24 foot truck. And sorry we had to deflate that awe by admitting that the rental guy had to finish filling up the tank for us. Remember, kids, when you're dieseling up your big rig, splash back will shut the pump off prematurely...

2003-05-22T09:04:00.000-04:00

AMERICAN IDLE

Well, Ruben won on American Idol last night. When it was announced that 24 million people voted I was thinking “that’s something like 1 in 15 Americans voting for these future Carnival Cruise commercial singers!" But then I realized that it was probably more like 150 Americans each voting 150 thousand times. That helped me to sleep easier last night.

2003-05-17T18:25:00.000-04:00

THE ANGRY GREEN

So, I was driving home from work yesterday in Northampton. In front of me there’s a car with a Green Party bumper sticker and other various earthy decals on it. When we got to the end of Conz Ave., where it meets Rt. 5, there was a car already there waiting to get out onto Rt. 5. Now admittedly that car let an opportunity go by to get out onto the street and so was there a few seconds longer than necessary, but, within seconds Mr. “GreenParty” has his hand out his window gesturing to the driver as if to say ‘what’s the hold up?’, then, quickly the hand began to signal ‘what the hell are you doing up there?!!’ Well, when the person does pull out shortly thereafter, Mr. “GreenParty” starts to tailgate this person up Rt. 5. Literally inches behind her car. Then they both get on Rt. 91 and all the way up the ramp he’s not only tailgating her but pulling toward the left and then the right of the car AS IF he’s going to pass her there on the on-ramp. I never in my life expected to see Green Party road rage. I generally associate Greens with being caring and concerned about society and the environment. Not angry driving. Maybe this guy really thought Jill Stein would win. Or maybe he's jealous of Michael Aleo's devilish good looks. I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t hold this guy up to a higher standard of patience just because he’s a Green, but Greens are always ‘dialoguing’ and respecting all viewpoints and stuff, so I thought maybe he could have some patience with a tentative driver. Oh well.

2003-05-13T12:58:00.000-04:00

JUST ANOTHER DAY ON THE FARM

Typical sights at my school:

Students leading horses through the parking lot.
Student carrying goat back to Aggie.
Students and teachers taking a horse-drawn hayride.
Students with manure on their shoes.
The smell of silage in the air.
The smell of silage in the classroom.
Students whose late passes say "letting the cows out."

I'll have to keep adding to this list...

2003-05-12T15:42:00.000-04:00

WHAT’S IN A NAME?

Sometimes I wonder about my name. Why is it attached to so many different phrases? What makes my name the name of the “everyman”? How many can I think of off the top of my head?:
“an average Joe”
“Sloppy Joe”
“Joe Schmo” (sometimes Joe Schmo from Kokomo)
“Joe Cool.” (I like that one).
"Joe Camel"...
"a cuppa Joe"
Mighty Joe Young.
I’m sure there’s more.
What’s worse for me is that my last name is the same as a 60’s rock icon. So when I introduce myself to people, they are forever calling me Jim instead of Joe. Or asking me if I’m related to him. Yes of course I am: “Ah, Uncle Jim and his short, tragic life. I recall fondly playing catch with him at family picnics and then sitting around the campfire, toasting marshmallows, and singing shamanistic ditties....